Trang-o

I didn't want to say goodbye. You and I both are not so cliche. I would have just wanted to ask you. But you know that I would have wanted that. You knew that we all wanted the same thing. And you didn't want that. We do.      We do.            We do all understand this choice, in it's why and because. I know it's not fair to demand an answer to a question unasked. (Yes, yes I know it's not a word... )But we have to ask. 

I understand; but I don't agree. Yeah, don't give me that. You can click your tongue all you want, you have to know. I would have used my every resource, conscious thought, and time to make you see that you would never see...?? 

I try. I mean I tried to think of counters. Your single sentence was all I needed to understand. And it was the end. I couldn't think of anything that I could say to that. 

You would never see us again. Your niece's growing up. Your nephews first bike ride. Me. Sis growing into an old lady, knitting over her glasses. Big brother the same old cranky but older.

It's all a little flimsy. I know you would have wanted to see. But you weighed that didn't you?Realized. Came to this decision. So immovable. That no one could shake you from. You weighed, measured, imagined, and thought of all of this. ...but your choice was... the resolve... it was... 

I never knew you to be so like stone when you're always like wind. 

I love you. I'm sorry I never said. Out loud. To you. You know I always did right? I'm glad you know that much without it said.

I understand that you needed to. Did you think about the hole that would be left behind? Or did you think that hole would be so small that it would not affect us? You're clumsy, not careless. Could you please tell me... I suppose that's more of a story, an essay than an answer. For the record, it's a really big hole. One that we all have found ways to fill, if only partially. The daily business of our lives is simply not enough to keep our minds distracted. We both have you with us on our side, sister didn't though. I'm not saying she's less caring, but you know it's not her style. Your on My left arm and Big Brother's rib cage. Don't cry... You know that's what we would do. But it's crazy we didn't know what you would do.

I'm going to find the answer. I'm going to spend all that I have to find the counter to your reason. I have to because I have to, I just have to. If only to prove you wrong, I will. No, that's petty. I have to find the counter argument if not for you, if not that you can benefit from, if not persuade you back then, if not to.... I just need to find the answer for me. I need to know that I have an answer, because facing that fact that I don't scares me. Scares me. So much. But I will find the counter to your argument in the discussion that we never had.

In the meantime, I miss you. Too bad it got soggy. That's your fault.