Unseen Mechanics

Sometimes I wonder, what I'm doing. Not in the small local sense. The daily insignificant footprint of drinking water, breathing, etc. I mean in the grander sense. The larger destiny, fate, blah blah blah sense.

I wonder if I am going down the path "destined" for me. But that thought string has so many holes it in I could use it as a fishnet. Destiny is inevitable, and therefore I cannot be going down the wrong path. But if everything is inevitable, then why bother deciding, choosing, having free will. But if by not acting on our "free will", what if that is my destiny. And that logic loop goes on for quite some time until dizzy minds either relent or come up with non-logical solutions. So in the end it boils down to two beliefs as to the clockwork of the world. There is destiny or there is not. More on that later, but first...

Don't give me that crap that you can choose your destiny. If you believe this then you are not using that word in it's correct definition.
Webster lend me a hand here: Webster's Definition
1 : something to which a person or thing is destined : fortune
2 : a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency
Oxford wants a say in this as well: Oxford Destiny
1 the events that will happen to a person, regarded as predetermined by fate.
2 the hidden power believed to control this; fate.
If you believe in destiny then you cannot change the course it takes. You are driving down the road and you cannot turn left or right. The scenery will change but the road you are on has a clear defined end. The trees, bushes, mountains to your left and right are essentially your life. If you believe in destiny, then life, to oversimplify, is a movie. You can only watch it play out and not reach out to affect it's outcome for better or worse. I wonder if anyone has ever put it that way for you.

You either believe you are watching the movie, or you are creating the movie. You are either the master or the slave. You are either chained or set free. You are either being pushed or pushing. (I hope I am not destroying your romantic, beautiful, poetic image of destiny. I sincerely apologize if I am. I just want to place in perspective the two views because there is not middle ground. At least not any I am willing to accept)

Destiny is beautiful in it's own right, in it's own ways, in it's own world. It's an amazingly breathtaking thought to think that the person you have spent ten memorable years with was destined to be with you. When a meeting that seemed to happen so easily it could not be mere chance. But when you break through the pretty, shiny hollywood image, you realize you're on the logical train that you have no control over what happens. You are a passenger on the plane and the captain can nosedive you into the sandy dunes below. The person you spent ten memorable years with, you are stuck with, even if those ten memorable years have drained all the blue from your eyes. No control, you'll just have to watch. Destiny is a spectator sport whether impossible three pointers or violent mangled accidents. Don't close your eyes, you can't.

The opposite side of the coin, free-will? Choice? Whatever you want to call it, you don't beleive in destiny. You believe you make your own choices. You could either go have coffee and meet Mr. Incredible or go have lunch and have a salad. It's up to you. The world is your playground, your sandbox, your stone block waiting to be scuplted. An infinite amount of choices are laid before you like a sultan persusing the local talent for a new wife (Ha I needed at least one chauvanistic joke) What could possibly be wrong with Choice? Too many choices and you become overwhelemed. No direction, no bearing. You are but a pinprick in a vast world of choices with no clear heading wandering aimlessly until you find something you'll settle for because you know you aren't stuck here but rather you choose to be here. There is no end. It's infinite. Running a race with no end gets tiresome, don't you think? Pretty soon you don't know what you want that sand to be anymore, you've chipped away at the stone so much it doesn't looks amorphous now. Then you hear people say "I don't know what I'm suppose to do." Apparently, you can do whatever you want. Tough luck, no high power will decide that for you now free thinker.

I beleive... well... I don't care. If there is a path for me already laid out, then why the hell should I worry about what I do because I'll end up where I'm suppose to be anyways. If destiny does not exist then I'm still going to act, react, speak, think as I always have because just being me will lead to where I want to be. I find that either way it does not change the way I will exist in my daily life. It's a far away concept. Both of them. And it doesn't affect me in a tangible way. I'm still going to smoke, write my silly poems, and think all sorts of ludicrous thoughts. I believe in something entirely different. I'm just fun like that.

Inwardly Obtrusive,
ShadowlessTomorrow

Preface To An Era

Inevitably, during some light conversation over drinks with your friends, when you lean in for a sneaky kiss on her cheek just for the sake of seeing her blush, someone will ask you that question. It'll always happen. It's as clockwork as drinks and a bedroom scene or, more poetic, stars after sunset.

"How did you guys meet?"

Here's the best part, I think. If you are enjoying the relationship you are in, you'll always do this. Always. I will bet money and my three best pigs on this (trust me these are some prize pigs I'm putting on the line). -You'll grin something stupid like and look at each other. *smiles*

"Oh well you know... Oh gosh Honey you tell it."
"No no, I don't like telling it. You tell it."
"But baby you tell it so much better."
"Okay, I guess I'll tell it babygirl. You really do like this story too much."

The tensions and anticipation mounts. Your friends are leaning on the edge of their seat. The waitress frozen, forgetting she needs go get more drinks. The table behind you has suspiciously stopped silent ears turned like parabolic sound arrays.
"We met at the mall."

Epic failure. Of the most epic kind. Utter failure.

All the great, super cute, adorably luvy couples always have some crazy story.
"... Then the donkey wouldn't leave... "
I've found that for me, the more complicated the start of a relationship is, the longer it lasts in my life. The more complicated, multi-faceted the start, the longer more emotionally charged it throws me around.
"... never did find where the missing wrench went... ...lost twenty dollars, four cents, and a shirt that night..."
I love those beginnings. When I see them emerging, forming it's horrendous drama filled little smile in front of me, whispering in my ear, 'This will be fun' I shake my head, smile, and press forward ready for adventure and excitement.

I think back to my longer, more close to heart, relationships and I see that they all had very complicated beginnings. She just started dating another guy, I originally liked her cousin, we argued the first time we met about her origins, she wanted me when I wanted someone else, slit wrists over my lack of attention, and the list goes on to varying degrees of insanity and sweet hollywood-spun story lines. And theses are the people who have stood out, in my world of singular friends, existing only within singular moments. They are the moving pictures compared to the snapshots of friends. They are the rainy days squeezed between endless sunlight, memorable. They are the spelunkers to my soul compared to the other pond skimmers. They make me smile more brightly, feel more terribly sad, laugh more whole heartedly, cry stinging tears.

If you notice, that our relationship, friendship, companionship, started in highly irregular ways. You can be assured that, yeah, you are more than just a paragraph in my life. You are a chapter and if you stay long enough, learn how to get close enough, ask the right questions, hear the right things, you can be a book if you want to. It's not a requsite to becoming someone close to me, just that it seems to go hand in hand. Don't stray away because of the drama and chaos initially. I breathe chaos, let me breathe.

Encountering Complications,
ShadowlessTomorrow

Rubik's Girls

I love you, but not today. I want you, but tomorrow. I need you, but only yesterday. I want to be with you, but not right now. I want you here, but not here with me.

Oh you complicated girls. Break my heart, and sew up the seams. Turn me around, turn me back, turn me away, want me back. *smiles* I love it. Glutton for punishment, one of my six sins.

There's a fine line between confusing, and complicated. Complicated girls have this delicately beautiful persona that's hard to grasp and even more difficult to please. That's all part of the fun though. Working out the puzzle, solving the enigma. They are amusing to me. All the complicated emotions that spill forth from something as simple as a hug makes me smile, makes me interested, makes me attracted. Makes me want them more and more. Perhaps my mind needs a constantly steady stream of information to process, and perhaps I just have a general dislike for simple people.

Emotionally complicated. Ah. The best one and the main one I suppose. Not sure of their feelings, constanly changing moods like a drunk bi-polar (or rather with girls it's usually multi-polar). Highly amusing to me. Most girls, (simple ones) are just happy with flowers any day, but my girls, no not the case. One day it's hugs and smiles and flowers in a vase. The next day it's smashed vase against the wall behind me. Oh it's quite troublesome at the time to deal with the drama but in the end, the shifting moods makes me strive to figure out how to make them happy all the time. I'm not superman, I can't read minds but I think I can read people pretty well (superman can't read minds... why did I say that?). Even then, it's a difficult read and every time you look it's something new, something different. I think if I ever fully understood women, boredom would set in as surely as night after day. But luckily, there's you beautifully complicated women around to amuse me.

I just want to clarify that even though I say amuse, I don't want you to think I treat women like objects for amusment like a playstation. Rather, I highly respect women. With all the daily obstacles they overcome such as gender pressure to plain old wanting respect, I admire them. They are the strong, beautiful, elegant, more graceful half of the human race. They are complicated, smart, affectionate, caring and strong whereas most men are singly attributed. I may say amuse, but they are not objects of amusment to me singularly. Just wanted to clarify lest you find me a pig for my choice of words. Women should be respected and pedestaled in the grandeur they encompass.

Back to the topic at hand. I guess I should get into the opposing category now. Simple girls. Now this is where it gets interesting. Girls can start off as complicated on the forefront but become simple once I find out the reasons, the drive. Some people it's as simple as, living for my parents ideals. Psh. Next. These semi-interesting people hold my attention as long as a goldfish can remember. Once the puzzle is solved and the final turn on the rubiks cube is made, I look at the product with disinterest. I go through the motions like a pattern learned like a craftmen of tenure.

Babydoll, you now bore me, tell me something interesting.

Then on the same side of the specturm but just a shade too far left, there's the simple creatures with only primal instincts. God. Shopping, shoes, clothes, shoes, TV, sex, shopping.

*wide eyes* Uh so what do you think about abortion? What's your take on life? What do you think it means when coincidences happen? No answer or opinion huh? That's okay, I'll stare at the wall. That shade of white is quite interesting.

I'm an honest guy and I'll say whats on my mind. If you feel you need to drag it out then ask me with the pretext of "Honestly...". I'll speak my mind and it will be truthful but I pick and choose what I say. I don't lie, I just don't tell you everything. But know that everything I say or do generally serves a purpose, however random. I'm a little sneaky like that but never vicious motives. Why am I say that in this blog? Well, I'm just as complicated. *smiles* But wouldn't you like to know what my specific is. Have fun.

Amusingly Complicated,
ShadowlessTomorrow

Want It From You

Sear my flesh let me burn
Come for more I never learn
Tearful eyes not your concern
Only more pain is what I earn
Only more pain is what I yearn

Make me scream make me bleed
Make me break fall to my knees
Keep my breath so I don't breathe
Turn your hand do as you please
Give me more you need to feed

Hurt me with no purpose
Go deep beyond the surface
Only because you're so perfect
My heart of hearts believes your worth it
My heart of hearts thinks me worthless
A broken heart and smile is more fit