Trang-o

I didn't want to say goodbye. You and I both are not so cliche. I would have just wanted to ask you. But you know that I would have wanted that. You knew that we all wanted the same thing. And you didn't want that. We do.      We do.            We do all understand this choice, in it's why and because. I know it's not fair to demand an answer to a question unasked. (Yes, yes I know it's not a word... )But we have to ask. 

I understand; but I don't agree. Yeah, don't give me that. You can click your tongue all you want, you have to know. I would have used my every resource, conscious thought, and time to make you see that you would never see...?? 

I try. I mean I tried to think of counters. Your single sentence was all I needed to understand. And it was the end. I couldn't think of anything that I could say to that. 

You would never see us again. Your niece's growing up. Your nephews first bike ride. Me. Sis growing into an old lady, knitting over her glasses. Big brother the same old cranky but older.

It's all a little flimsy. I know you would have wanted to see. But you weighed that didn't you?Realized. Came to this decision. So immovable. That no one could shake you from. You weighed, measured, imagined, and thought of all of this. ...but your choice was... the resolve... it was... 

I never knew you to be so like stone when you're always like wind. 

I love you. I'm sorry I never said. Out loud. To you. You know I always did right? I'm glad you know that much without it said.

I understand that you needed to. Did you think about the hole that would be left behind? Or did you think that hole would be so small that it would not affect us? You're clumsy, not careless. Could you please tell me... I suppose that's more of a story, an essay than an answer. For the record, it's a really big hole. One that we all have found ways to fill, if only partially. The daily business of our lives is simply not enough to keep our minds distracted. We both have you with us on our side, sister didn't though. I'm not saying she's less caring, but you know it's not her style. Your on My left arm and Big Brother's rib cage. Don't cry... You know that's what we would do. But it's crazy we didn't know what you would do.

I'm going to find the answer. I'm going to spend all that I have to find the counter to your reason. I have to because I have to, I just have to. If only to prove you wrong, I will. No, that's petty. I have to find the counter argument if not for you, if not that you can benefit from, if not persuade you back then, if not to.... I just need to find the answer for me. I need to know that I have an answer, because facing that fact that I don't scares me. Scares me. So much. But I will find the counter to your argument in the discussion that we never had.

In the meantime, I miss you. Too bad it got soggy. That's your fault. 

Too Many Thoughts

I was called rude today. Though I didn't feel I was being rude... It still affected me. I apologized, sincerely. And also offered my direct apology to the affected person. It's water under the bridge now, but I still feel I'm drowning.

How silly. I don't feel I was rude but I still offered two separate apologies... I still feel like an ass. I think its because even if my apology is accepted it's a stain in my person. Something that will be brought up, taken into consideration, and put against me.

It feels like I'm sitting in a chair, the room pitch black save for a circle of light I sit in. There are people around me, frowning. Giving me gestures of disapproval. I can't see these people but I feel them. Like the way you can sense a TV is own by the barely perceptible hum, I can sense these people on the black. I offer apologies, ask for forgiveness even if it's conditional but I hear no reply, no rebuke. I just feel disapproval. Just disapproval. I feel people slowly leaving, leaving my range of perception and I'm slowly filled with life affirming fear. Fear that these unknown people are leaving me. Forever. I want to call out, to ask for another chance but my throat catches and I can only manage a rattle. I don't know any of these people. I can't see anyone. But I want them all to believe me. To hear the sincerity in my voice. To see the sincerity in my eyes. But I don't want them to see me tremble... They all leave and I'm alone with my chair and my circle of light. I failed. My awareness to the emptiness in the room fills my entire consciousness. I do nothing. I said what I could and it seems I failed.

That's all I got.

Drowning,
ShadowlessTomorrow

Rules are meant to be broken

It's a bad idea ShadowlesssTomorrow... You know better than that. Why do you have these rules if you're not going to follow them? Remember when you broke that rule because you thought it would be "different this time". That was a terror. You gotta remember why you have these rules.

They have kept you safe. And when you break them... You break.

But... Life affords me too few chances though. I have to grasp any slice of happiness I can... I don't want this chance to slip by wondering... Wondering. The opportunity will pass if I sit and do nothing. I know the disaster that will ensue if it falls apart but I also know how heavy my heart will be if I don't reach for it.

When has it ever worked for you? When have you leapt and did not fall? When has it become the Hollywood movie romance? Sure it may be a great, maybe even amazing, ride. While it lasts. But what of when it ends. When it...

I always leap. And I will always. Always. And always. Love is too great a feeling to be afraid of the fall. Eventual or not. And yes I have fallen before. And yes I have fallen and have been broken. But I can't stop. Cor aut mors.

Then you say you would rather leap through fire hoping not to get burned. You are a fool ShadowlessTomorrow.

A fool with a heart. But not simply a fool.

A fool is still a fool. Whether or not love is involved. What will you do?

I don't know.

Always A Fool,
ShadowlessTomorrow

First world

She doesn't speak my tongue. Perhaps a few words. Maybe the broken phrase 'sorry no english'. She smiles at me while I stare back at her. The bag of cans rustling at her side clues me in. She wants the beer can I'm drinking from. Not for the beer. The can.

She looks to be 50. I'm only guessing as asians age gracefully so I'm adding at least ten to how she looks. Her clothing bright mismatched clashing attire tells me fashion is her last concern. Her eyes are faded worn brown. Her smile easy. Like the same ease you can get from ignorance. She must have been heartbreaker in her day.

She takes the can from me with a bigger smile and a small bow. My can joins the collection rustling behind her. Her fortune. Her food. Her lively hood.

I wonder about this woman. She seems out of place. In a country she could never adapt to. Too old or too worn into her way and culture. Yet she lives. Exists. Carves out her own life. Day in, day out. Is she happy? Sad? Forlorn? Exhausted? How did this life of hers come to be?

She finds a way. She knows that the next meal will not be given. That her landlord is not of a tender heart. And so she travels collecting cans.

She breaks my heart. My soul tears to know that she must do this to survive because surely she doesn't do this out of joy. But. She inspires. So trivial are my gripes now. It's hard to say "I can't" when I know what people are doing for their daily bread.

I am a first world child. Born expecting water from a tap and food to arrive at my door when I call. I feel I appreciate what I have but everyday I meet people like her. And I find I'm wrong.

Wish her happiness health and home,
ShadowlessTomorrow

Somewhere Else

Out of place. The one that's not like the other. Sometimes I wonder why I'm around the company I am. Happenstance is a part of this surely. Is it strange that I want other company. Its not a question its a statement. Why am I here if here isn't where I feel I should be.

Her.

Of course. I knew that... Yes, I am here for her. Does she care or know? More importantly does it matter. She doesn't care.

But I'm holding on, nonetheless. Some connections, though may never go more, are important. Important. Okay, I'll bear the company. God they are pop-culture-one-liner-drunken-uninteresting-homogenous-personality-iCulture idiots.

Biting My Tongue,
ShadowlessTomorrow

Old Flames

"Oh hey ShadowlessTomorrow, this is..."
"We've met before. How have you been?"

Its a small world and a smaller city. Its inevitable that we would meet again. Its like Your Exlover is Dead all over right? Maybe that reference is lost on you dear. I would have hoped to meet you a year or two ago, but life, yours and mine, will take us where we will right? Still unanswered texts tend to resurface in the back corners of my mind like a wound wet again from rain.

"I'm a different man now." I want to say. "You never got to know me" I think. "It's nice seeing you again" I say.

"Yeah I know ShadowlessTomorrow." I hear you say, a touch nervous. I show you a smile; water under the bridge it says but either you don't know my smiles or you pay it no mind.

Darling, I wish you gave me a chance to charm you. To tell you sweet things. To make you blush. To adore you. But it did not happen. My approaches maybe were too forward. Too upfront. Too bold. I have one gear when it comes to pretty somethings I want to get to know.

I hope I didn't sour the night, dear. You're still beautiful. The first time and the last time. *smiles* I did my best and it wasn't enough (or too many much). Still I think I could have loved you.

Til again we meet,
ShadowlessTomorrow

What Do You Really Want

You ask me to guard you from bad decisons. Ask me to lead you when you are lost. Look for me for light when days grow dark. I do as you ask and more. On the sly, you know you have a place in my heart. On my sleeve, you see my heart. On my lips, a certain smile only you see. Though you never take my advice. Spit venom when I gently point out your errs. If you want to scorn me, then why do you ask me to stand by your side? If you would lash out in defiance, then why ask for my counsel? I'm tired, and not from the wrath and anger you let loose when I speak my honesty. I'm used to people who don't take well to truth. I'm tired because you ask me to do you a service you never allow me to do. If you don't want my honesty, then I will shut my mouth. When the day comes when you want some brutal cold unflinching honesty, I may not offer it. Or any words for that matter. You ask me to always be honest with you. Easy enough for me. I'm true to a fault. Are you honest enough with yourself to want it? How do you guard someone who throws themselves into the storm? When I pull you back, you look at me with a glare to wither a tree. A tree hard and unflinching. Unflinching. 

Fault of honesty,
ShadowlessTomorrow