Make Me Happy

I'm sick of chasing happiness. I'm tired of it. Why can't happiness chase me for once? I've spent most of my life finding my own slice of happiness, making it myself when it was nowhere to be found... But it gets tiring. I find that there are days where I can't. Do it. Can't. Not today.

Life is the pursuit of happiness.

The effort needed to maintain a constant, is dizzying. I bet you're saying, well you don't have to be happy all the time. This I know, but I don't stumble around wining that nothing makes me happy. I find it. I create it.

Thats exactly the issue right? Having to do it yourself. Having to make it yourself. I'm ensured a constant supply but at the cost. You know how nice it feels to wake up to breakfast. It feels more special. It was made for you. Make some happiness for me...

I... Don't. I just wish that someone would smile for me like I do for them, to show them life isn't complete shite. It isn't shite.

Smile for me,
ShadowlessTomorrow

Sentiments

Are you sentimental? What does it mean to be? Now, I know you're pointing out that a have a time shredded note lying on my desk, but I'm asking the questions here. Don't worry about the note though. I'll get to that later.

Being... sentimental isn't something I've called myself. I don't like the clutter of old cards, christmas, birthday or otherwise. I don't care to keep little trinkets. But this note... this note is something I've kept for years. The creases gave way years ago. I don't read it anymore. No, I just have it... around. It doesn't take up space. At least not space in the physical sense of the word. But it does take embody a weight that I haven't quite been able to part with.

I need to interject spot of background here. I have no problem throwing away birthday cards, gifts that I just don't need in my life. I don't keep photos either. I just don't see why I need the clutter. I already know what you look like, that's what memories are for right?

Speaking of memories, lets get back on topic now. You know, I actually take care of the note. I've tried to maintain ... it... so to speak. Weird hey? I keep it in a case, with two other pieces of related memorabilia. An expired bus ticket dated Aug 12 2006 and an old movie ticket. Yes, but those are different topics all together. Back to this note then. I'm not sentimental... but even now, I don't think I will throw it away. That's why its out. Out. It's something I choose to carry with me. Even as now, as I stare at it. It's pathetic looking. It's aged with time and emotions.

Some things are heavy. Heavy.

I'm not sentimental, but I still can't throw it away. Those two other decrepit reminders are already in the trash.

Letting go,

ShadowlessTomorrow

Get a job

"Can I get the bill please?"

"Sure, here you go hon."

Immediately, I reach for the bill and simultaneous my wallet. Everyone around me watches as I pull bills out my wallet.

That's a situation that's fine with me. But when people expect me to pay all the time. It's bothersome. It's also bothersome that when I pay, I receive no gratitude. So not only do you expect me to pay, but I don't receive a thank you. Something broke somewhere.

I'm a generous person. I don't mind spending my money on other people. In fact, most of my money is spent on other people. I like and would rather spend my money on other people. I don't spend my money on people expecting them to pay me back, or to flash money around. Giving is just something I do. There are those who are eternally grateful for my generosity, and then there are those who either don't care, or expect me to pay. The ones who take advantage of me though, I'm getting sick of. It's those people who I will stop extending my courtesy. I don't like money coming between people, I try hard to keep that separate. I don't like asking to be paid back. I don't like asking for money I'm owed. Now, if I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you , then obviously I expect no return. But if you ask me to lend you X amount of dollars, then the situation is clear. This is a loan to be returned.

I'm tired of people using my generosity. I'm tired of people trying to get me to pay for things or buy things for them. I'm tired of people trying to slyly persuade me that "That's what you want to buy, trust me." I'm fucking sick of it. Get your own goddamn money, and pay for it yourself. God. I'm at the end of my rope. No more. I know who you people are, and your selfishness does not go unnoticed.

It may seem that I sit and fume in my own stew of contempt, but you are wrong. Very wrong. Money isn't something I worry about too much. I make enough to enjoy my lifestyle plus more. I don't dwell on matters concerning dollars. But constant attempts to get me to spend my money are fucked. I hate selfish people.

Another note, if you have to think if you're a selfish person or not, then you're probably selfish.

Not an ATM,

ShadowlessTomorrow

Just a Thought

My background on my phone is my nephew. Cutest thing he is. If you took a kitten, smooshed it together with a rabbit, bred that with a puppy and raised it on pudding it still wouldn't be as cute!!! (the three exclaimation marks tell you I mean it)

He's cute. Hope he stays that way... oh god could you imagine a perma-baby... thats a circle of hell I would hate. Don't get me wrong. I love kids. Want a few myself. But I would like to see the that little thing crawling around underfoot become a little person.

Anyway, he's cute.

The (hopefully) favorite uncle,
ShadowlessTomorrow

Hello old Friend

Dear Blog,

I've missed you. Sorry for being away for so long. There hasn't been an convenient time to talk lately. Life has got me busy you know. I know I know... I should have called at the very least but lets just get past that okay? Don't be mad. We'll be friends. Yes yes. I'll spend more time here. Well... I hope so at least...

How about this! Next time a crazy thought pops into my head. You'll be the first to know. I swear by all the 4 gods that rule this dimension. Ask me later about them. Crazy bunch they are.

Your writer,

ShadowlessTomorrow

I suppose it's terrible cliche to personify your blog. Suppose that makes me terribly cliche. I know I can avoid all that ugliness by deleting the above, but why bother? These are my thoughts and censorship isn't something I'm known for. (What am I known for? What is the essence of me that makes me unique? Possible nothing. Ha.) So suppose my blog is an uninteresting slog,(shitty+blog=slog Get it? Terrible I know... leave me alone) but it's my uninteresting slog and I will defend it until... well at least until I'm tired and want bed.

I had someone comment saying that I try too hard to be interesting in my blog. The part that really hit me was that if I was trying to be interesting, I'm failing hard then. Not only am I failing to be interesting, but apparently I'm putting in a lot of useless effort. So not only am I'm uninteresting, I'm putting in a lot of effort only to still be uninteresting... I would think that if I tried to be interesting, I could pull it off. At least at face value. That's sad. Pretty S-A-D. Ha. I'm dissecting single comment to death. Now that comment means nothing to me! HA! I'm immune to your attempts to... well I suppose there wasn't really an aim to the comment. Suppose that's why they call it a comment huh?

Anyways, I'm headed home. And yes, I did post this...

Right Track

So I've been on this "sabbatical" for some time now. It's been great. It's given me time to sort out myself and everything else. It's been quite a roller coaster.. jeez... it has. But ShadowlessTomorrow never breaks a sweat. At least not a drop that you can see. Ha.

So in this time. I've just been doing... nothing. Well nothing in the sense of productivity. It's just been day after day of me time. Listening to the music I want to listen to. Playing games I want to play. Drawing things I want to draw. Reading things I want to read. Drinking things I want to drink (seriously do you think I would forget that? hahahaha) It's been a good time. I needed time to sort myself out. It's like I was a bundle of knots and everytime something else came along, it added another knot. How gay. How stupid. How dumb. How complicated. Ugh. Well I needed time. I think we all need time to just disappear sometimes and just rediscover ourselves. Our work. Our lives. Are never lived the way we want to live. We wear these masks. These costumes. They never fit correctly. Always a little big, a little tight. Don't you ever feel you want to take it all off. Throw it all to the wind and be you as it was meant to be. Think about it?

I'm back now. I'm back to logical over-analyzing ShadowlessTomorrow. I'm back to full steam; coal burning hot and engine running fast. After the rest it's time for work. Not work in the sense that we all have. The ends to a mean. The grind to make out lives a little more livable.

(I don't like that idea. I'm not content with the idea that working for a living is all I can strive for. I'm not the kind of guy to just work because I need to the money. I will drop a high paying job for happier pastures any time any day any week. I've done so before. I will continue to do so. I want my mind to be excercised and my skills stretched to the limit. I want to Grow, Evolve, and Learn. If 8 hours of my life is going to be taken up by monotonous work that I care not for, I will leave. (This is not to say that my last employment was monotonous. It was more personal issues coupled with loss of job satisfaction. It happens. Things just hit you in unexpected ways right?)

Life is back on track now. It's back with all the intricacies that come that. How fun huh? For sure. It's a fucking ball. (Not sarcasm. Nope. Not even in the slightest) So... Um. I got distracted so I'm going to leave this post half finished. I know right. Cliff hangers... They. Are. Terrible.

Maybe you'll come back to chat again? (or read rather...) Lezz hope you do. I promise to touch on past subjects I left unfinished. *salutes*

Back on Earth,
ShadowlessTomorrow