Ever notice how all my posts are really late at night? I wonder why that is. It's like I only have freeform thoughts when the sun disappears. Silly.
So I got this friend. Great little chick. Sickist chick I met in a longs time. Longs time. She don't care but she does care. It's a little interesting feat. If you got her like I do, you'd understand. Now this girl, sweetheart as she is, is going through some hard times. Stress is a mindkiller and it's quite evident in this case. It's all understandable though. All is. Un-called for and unjustified and unfair. And several other un- words I don't care to think of right now. Good hearts and good souls shouldn't have to deal with things like this. It's fucked. Fucked I say. Hear here.
Do you know why she's such a cool chick? Possibly not. And impossibly not. You can't be Too Lazy To Know. You only got to meet this girl for a span of a sentence and you just know. Just know. Just feel, this is a cool girl. Someone you gotta follow just because it's all you can do. (Now now, I may be infatuated but not lovestruck. Know the difference, learn the difference) Electric personality and two meanings at that. Line up, "I don't really care." with britsh slang, vibrant red hair and you got all sorts of things you never wanted to meet. Only because you didn't know you wanted to. Sonic couldn't catch up to this chick if he wanted to. Crafty little hedgehog. You're fast but not moving as fast as she is moving to the sky. You're about to be caught up in an Emergency Room. Lions catch asthma being around her aura. "Charlie, you can't play with us. You're asthma will catch you." Ha. You bet this is all gibberish huh? Shadowlesstomorrow doesn't word gibberish.
This is an ode to you darling. To show you that the world shouldn't be able to beat you down. Because they really. Can't. Keep you head up and never let them see tears.
Keep up the weirdness, us weirdos gotta stick together.
Forever Rockstar,
ShadowlessTomorrow
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Figuring It Out
So so so. I've been deciding. Don't know quite yet what I've been pondering but I'm deciding. But I've been thinking (a rare feat in of itself, mind you)
Ever just think, for the sake of thinking? I'm saying when you go for a walk in the rain and you just are thinking. Thinking of nothing and everything. Just thinking of your life, work, relationship, etc etc. You know the deal. I'm sure you do right. Right. Right, right. Well lezz just say that you do do this. Lezz just say you just think because you haven't in awhile. What comes to mind for you? What encompasses your thoughts in the late nights? What keeps you awake for several hours a night?
Wanna know my fix? I'm sure you do. But I can''t quite put a finger on it myself. I think about my heading, no compass in sight. I think about my relationships, no girl in sight. I think of my life, no solid prospects to think of (lies, though I still wonder) It all swirls and swirls in this big ball. This boiling pot of stew, that bubbles and fumes. Sometimes it's just good to think. To think of nothing and everything. Sometimes it's just good to feel it all. Feel all all those things you wanted and wanted to push aside. Yeah, right? Now you get what I mean. Sometimes you just need to be locked in your room with burning incense and your thoughts. You get. I know you get.
You get it for sure. I don't think you've ever defined the feeling. I don't think that you ever set a time aside for it. It just happens. Just happens. Usually though it happens at an opportune time. When you have no plans. When you have not obligations. When you just got done with your last task. When you just checked off your last item on your check list.
Ever wonder why that is? Ever wonder why we only think and feel when we feel it's opportune? Does that seem a little wrong? Does that seem like it's a little... out? Anyways...
It's always when you have nothing to think about. It's always when you have a free moment. You think about your girl/boyfriend. You think about your job. You think about your compass rose, and it never smells as sweet as it should.
I'm supposing that you want to know why I dribble this nonsense tonight? It's pretty obvious right? I've been thinking. It may be incorrect, but I just feel I do more than I get credit for. I've always live in a way that doesn't allow for credit. I've always done things just for sake of doing them. It makes you smile, them I'm in. It make you happy, then I'm in. It makes logical sense, then I'm in. I don't ask for credit. I just do it because it's the right thing to do.
I would just like a little credit, or gratitude from time to time... I small request...
Despondent,
Leadthaniel
Ever just think, for the sake of thinking? I'm saying when you go for a walk in the rain and you just are thinking. Thinking of nothing and everything. Just thinking of your life, work, relationship, etc etc. You know the deal. I'm sure you do right. Right. Right, right. Well lezz just say that you do do this. Lezz just say you just think because you haven't in awhile. What comes to mind for you? What encompasses your thoughts in the late nights? What keeps you awake for several hours a night?
Wanna know my fix? I'm sure you do. But I can''t quite put a finger on it myself. I think about my heading, no compass in sight. I think about my relationships, no girl in sight. I think of my life, no solid prospects to think of (lies, though I still wonder) It all swirls and swirls in this big ball. This boiling pot of stew, that bubbles and fumes. Sometimes it's just good to think. To think of nothing and everything. Sometimes it's just good to feel it all. Feel all all those things you wanted and wanted to push aside. Yeah, right? Now you get what I mean. Sometimes you just need to be locked in your room with burning incense and your thoughts. You get. I know you get.
You get it for sure. I don't think you've ever defined the feeling. I don't think that you ever set a time aside for it. It just happens. Just happens. Usually though it happens at an opportune time. When you have no plans. When you have not obligations. When you just got done with your last task. When you just checked off your last item on your check list.
Ever wonder why that is? Ever wonder why we only think and feel when we feel it's opportune? Does that seem a little wrong? Does that seem like it's a little... out? Anyways...
It's always when you have nothing to think about. It's always when you have a free moment. You think about your girl/boyfriend. You think about your job. You think about your compass rose, and it never smells as sweet as it should.
I'm supposing that you want to know why I dribble this nonsense tonight? It's pretty obvious right? I've been thinking. It may be incorrect, but I just feel I do more than I get credit for. I've always live in a way that doesn't allow for credit. I've always done things just for sake of doing them. It makes you smile, them I'm in. It make you happy, then I'm in. It makes logical sense, then I'm in. I don't ask for credit. I just do it because it's the right thing to do.
I would just like a little credit, or gratitude from time to time... I small request...
Despondent,
Leadthaniel
Monday, July 26, 2010
Waking Thoughts
When I wake in the morning. Early. Early. Early. There's a moment, when I peer out between the pillows and see the sun creeping into my room. These times. Almost every day. I think to myself... Why should I wake up today? What lies beyond my bedroom door. What does the sun bring with it today? *shrugs* I don't know. I never know. Why should I wake up today? The answer is never the same. Never consistent. Consistently inconsistent...
Some days... I open one eye. And. Just. Say. No. I roll back over and dig my head between the pillows. Not mentally equipped. Possibly. Maybe I just can't handle the day. Maybe I just don't want to handle the day. Some days. My body tells me no. My mind tells me no. And I listen to it. All but too eagerly of course. I just don't want to. I don't care why nor do I try to fathom. I just know that I don't want to... at all... yeah sometimes. Sometimes.
Other times, I wake. I wake wide awake. I bolt right up. Kill my alarm and get right to it. I breathe in the new day smell mixed with clean laundry. Love it. Live it. It's such a great feeling these days. These wonderful days. The amazing morning I have. Every step has a little spring it to push me forward and carry me on. Carry. Carry. Carry. These are most days. These are the days that embody my personality and myself. That make me smile. Jump around. Eat everything in sight and grin while doing so (trust me that's quite a feat. You try it and you'll see) It's days like this that make sense to me. That make me enjoy life more. I go to sleep at night thinking tomorrow is new. Yeah. I'm a hippie happy freak. But that's me. Life is a series of adventures that we call Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc. There is a reason to my madness. Well as reasonable as madness can be of course. Life is so beautifully ugly and so disgustingly beautiful. Make sense? It will. Just think on it huh?
Then... in the quiet moments of dawn... I wonder what if I never get out of bed. What if I just endlessly sleep. Would anyone care? More importantly. What would that feel like. To just sleep and sleep and sleep. These are my dark days. Days I pull what left I have. All effort and determination that usually is resident in myself vacant. These days I hate the world and everything that inhabits it. My mood sour, vile and thoughts malicious. I give death glares because I wish upon death. The contempt of my words drip subtle poison. At the time, I care not. I don't care who I piss off. Don't care. Don't care. Don't care. I just want to be left alone with my pitiful self. In the corner trying to fit my jigsaw personality together again. What's interesting about these days... is that I... still move. Instead of just staying stationary... I feel compelled to spread my bile among as many people as possible. That's malicious. That's vile. That's monstrous. *shrugs* It happens. Rarely rather than often. Thank you very much good sir.
So you ever wonder why you wake in the morning? Don't you dare say work. Don't you dare. That's a stupid reason. If you work 9-5, clock-in clock out, then work is not your reason to get out of bed. If it is... I'm truly sorry for you. Work is a means to live and not a life to live. Unless your work comes from your soul, work should never be the reason why you wake. Think about that and tell me if you have a reason.
Want to know my reason?
I love life.
First breath at dawn,
ShadowlessTomorrow
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Child-like
Remember when you were younger? And the worst of your troubles was what you were going to do next weekend? Little trite unobtrusive little worries. It was great wasn't it? It was.
But you grow up. You face a little slice of reality. Work comes in. Money makes it ugly head known. And all those playground worries disappear. Can we go back? Probably not. It's quite frowned upon. Trust me I know. Ha. ShadowlessTomorrow hasn't quite grown up yet. Nope. But I'm suppose to. Yup.
Don't get me wrong now. Money is just a small worry in my head. It doesn't encompass a large part of my cortex. There's other things too. Maintaining social connections. Holding up my end at work. Making sure my sibling has enough to eat. Among much others. Sure my worries are small in the scope of all things. Doesn't make them any less insignificant though. Nope. They are my worries. Not yours. You're troubles may overlap mine in some ways but not all. I don't know where I'm going with this. Let me clear my head a bit...
Show me some fire. Make your bed and let me lie in it. Rest your head. I'll rest mine. Far aways a part but closer than you might think this time. This time around. This time. Fight to live to survive. For your right to smile. All the while maintaining a false smile. Once you find your peace. Hold your own to keep. Can you hold mine too? Though I know you're not suppose to. Just for safe keeping. So I can lie here weeping. I don't mind if you say you're leaving. But say you're coming back. My own. My shoes. My thoughts. No news. Smoke and fire. Lights up, heads down. Think of why we're here. Remember that time. I'm sure you do. I sure I can prove. That I'm sure you do. But it's all better. Nothing either. Take a second and come back after a breather.
We're all growed up now huh? Or perhaps to being "grown up". Do we ever really grow up though? I don't think we shed our child's self. We just make it hold more than it did before. We learn to hold more. Everyday. Just a little more. I miss being a kid. I miss being able to not worry or care. You and I. We have responsibilities. People that depend on us. Either physically. Financially. Or emotionally. Back then, people only relied on us to bring the ball to the game. Or have snacks ready for the movie night. God that was simple. Why do we make it more complicated as we grow up?
Grow up. What does that mean even? Become an adult? Well lets dissect what it means to be an adult. Responsibilities? To who? To what? To where? When we were younger, we only had to worry about eating, sleeping, and generally not getting hurt. Now after a few years. We have to worry about how we're going to eat. When we're going to sleep. And how not to get hurt. It's a more expansive set of rules we create for ourselves. To be... functional in society? How? And Why? Doesn't quite click. The gears don't fully rotate in this head of mine. I'll try to boil down my daily grind. Maybe that'll help me clear up things. As a grown up, I go to work in the morning. I earn my pay through the day. I make decisions that will affect others. I come home and make my meal. Play my games. Escape my stress. Then I sleep. Boiled down. Reduced to a few sentences. Does your life not match that pattern as well? That's not quite a life I don't think. That's seems a little empty.
I don't know what I'm getting at here. I'm not empty. ShadowlessTomorrow is always smiling. And it's never a false smile. Trust. But I just wonder what happened that made my an "adult" and when my troubles grew from playground to real world. I think I need to make a conscience effort to put more play in my life. Just a little more. It'll help keep my sane. I know this for fact. You should to. I suppose we didn't have less important troubles when we were younger. During that time, those troubles were the world. It's only in hindsight do we think they are unimportant trite thoughts of a child. Well in a few years, I'll find that this post is just the same. Once again, I don't know what I'm getting at. Eh. Oh well. I never do know.
Just want to play tag,
ShadowlessTomorrow
But you grow up. You face a little slice of reality. Work comes in. Money makes it ugly head known. And all those playground worries disappear. Can we go back? Probably not. It's quite frowned upon. Trust me I know. Ha. ShadowlessTomorrow hasn't quite grown up yet. Nope. But I'm suppose to. Yup.
Don't get me wrong now. Money is just a small worry in my head. It doesn't encompass a large part of my cortex. There's other things too. Maintaining social connections. Holding up my end at work. Making sure my sibling has enough to eat. Among much others. Sure my worries are small in the scope of all things. Doesn't make them any less insignificant though. Nope. They are my worries. Not yours. You're troubles may overlap mine in some ways but not all. I don't know where I'm going with this. Let me clear my head a bit...
Show me some fire. Make your bed and let me lie in it. Rest your head. I'll rest mine. Far aways a part but closer than you might think this time. This time around. This time. Fight to live to survive. For your right to smile. All the while maintaining a false smile. Once you find your peace. Hold your own to keep. Can you hold mine too? Though I know you're not suppose to. Just for safe keeping. So I can lie here weeping. I don't mind if you say you're leaving. But say you're coming back. My own. My shoes. My thoughts. No news. Smoke and fire. Lights up, heads down. Think of why we're here. Remember that time. I'm sure you do. I sure I can prove. That I'm sure you do. But it's all better. Nothing either. Take a second and come back after a breather.
We're all growed up now huh? Or perhaps to being "grown up". Do we ever really grow up though? I don't think we shed our child's self. We just make it hold more than it did before. We learn to hold more. Everyday. Just a little more. I miss being a kid. I miss being able to not worry or care. You and I. We have responsibilities. People that depend on us. Either physically. Financially. Or emotionally. Back then, people only relied on us to bring the ball to the game. Or have snacks ready for the movie night. God that was simple. Why do we make it more complicated as we grow up?
Grow up. What does that mean even? Become an adult? Well lets dissect what it means to be an adult. Responsibilities? To who? To what? To where? When we were younger, we only had to worry about eating, sleeping, and generally not getting hurt. Now after a few years. We have to worry about how we're going to eat. When we're going to sleep. And how not to get hurt. It's a more expansive set of rules we create for ourselves. To be... functional in society? How? And Why? Doesn't quite click. The gears don't fully rotate in this head of mine. I'll try to boil down my daily grind. Maybe that'll help me clear up things. As a grown up, I go to work in the morning. I earn my pay through the day. I make decisions that will affect others. I come home and make my meal. Play my games. Escape my stress. Then I sleep. Boiled down. Reduced to a few sentences. Does your life not match that pattern as well? That's not quite a life I don't think. That's seems a little empty.
I don't know what I'm getting at here. I'm not empty. ShadowlessTomorrow is always smiling. And it's never a false smile. Trust. But I just wonder what happened that made my an "adult" and when my troubles grew from playground to real world. I think I need to make a conscience effort to put more play in my life. Just a little more. It'll help keep my sane. I know this for fact. You should to. I suppose we didn't have less important troubles when we were younger. During that time, those troubles were the world. It's only in hindsight do we think they are unimportant trite thoughts of a child. Well in a few years, I'll find that this post is just the same. Once again, I don't know what I'm getting at. Eh. Oh well. I never do know.
Just want to play tag,
ShadowlessTomorrow
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Strong and Weak
Strengths... and weaknesses...
Do I know my limits? Do you know yours? Do you know where you can reinforce? Hide? Put forward?
I'd like to think I know where I'm strongest. And also where I'm weakest. I've spent time working to improve my weaknesses. My glaringly obvious weaknesses. But to what end? To make myself more well rounded? I already feel I'm the jack of all trades. Everything well but nothing exceptional. It's a fruitless effort to try to "fix" myself (for lack of better term). But I suppose in my case it's also futile to "reinforce" my strengths just the same. So what do I have then? If one has equitable amounts of strengths and weaknesses, then they are always in a state of constant equilibrium. Suppose I should just grow as a whole. Get?
No matter how much you try to overcome your weaknesses, they will always be your weakness. You may even circumvent your strengths from surfacing. You may even put more distance between the two ends. So why do it? We're all so concerned with making our weaknesses negligible. Concerned, worried, frustrated and scared. Lezz put aside the jack of all trades example and move to something more common to people. Someone with steel logic tends to lack in social empathy. So should they improve their social empathy? You would then lose your infamous logical thinking once you strive in improve your emotional response. What I'm getting at is embrace your weaknesses. Corny I know. Very corny. But it's true. Rather than try to "fix: your inabilities. Know them. Use them to your advantage. It's quite easy to say but harder to do. Oh man is it hard. It's like those zen teachings that make so much sense on the surface. But. In action. It's like moving mountains. We're dead set to "make better". We've been taught. Told. Chastised. For our weaknesses. I'll try my bestest-est-est to give you an example. Bear with me now. (I lack that social tact that... well makes it's hard for me to convey sensitive topics...)
You want to be in a band. You are amazing at playing the guitar. You are the sic-est shit since, the last sic guitarist. (eloquently put as always ShadowlessTomorrow... ... ...) But! You want to sing. Too bad you suck. You sound like a chain smoking frog. Like an ox with a phlegmy throat. So what now? Take hours of lessons to improve. Make it a strength? Sure, try that. I can guarantee that road is long, hard, perilous and full of frustrations. You're innately just not good at singing. God blessed you with fast fingers. Not a lung full of sweet melodies. So play the shit out of your guitar. Make your shit so good that people will have to notice. Maybe ghostwrite lyrics. Know that you are worse than 12 year old girls on youtube and embrace that you make any guitar catch fire. Rather then spend years working on what you lack. If you spend half that time, invested in your primary skill, you would be a millions trillions quadratillion times better than a years worth of vocal courses.
What I'm leading to. Is that. I. Am. Just going to improve what I'm good at. Sure, I'll look into "fixing" my errs but not as much time as other concerned sheep. I'm not a lemming. And you are not either. So next time someone says, "hey you suck at this. Can you make yourself better?" Think about it. Think hard. But you shouldn't think long. It should be an instant pop-up message. Writers are writers. They are not cricket players. Do what you do best, and do it best. Your weaknesses will just happen to improve along the way. It's natural progression. Evolution of a person. Lezz move away from fixing yourself and move towards improving yourself. (Ha, I sound like an inspirational quote) Maybe you don't line down my sights. Maybe you do. Either way though. It's some brain food right? Right, right, right.
Self PSA,
ShadowlessTomorrow
Do I know my limits? Do you know yours? Do you know where you can reinforce? Hide? Put forward?
I'd like to think I know where I'm strongest. And also where I'm weakest. I've spent time working to improve my weaknesses. My glaringly obvious weaknesses. But to what end? To make myself more well rounded? I already feel I'm the jack of all trades. Everything well but nothing exceptional. It's a fruitless effort to try to "fix" myself (for lack of better term). But I suppose in my case it's also futile to "reinforce" my strengths just the same. So what do I have then? If one has equitable amounts of strengths and weaknesses, then they are always in a state of constant equilibrium. Suppose I should just grow as a whole. Get?
No matter how much you try to overcome your weaknesses, they will always be your weakness. You may even circumvent your strengths from surfacing. You may even put more distance between the two ends. So why do it? We're all so concerned with making our weaknesses negligible. Concerned, worried, frustrated and scared. Lezz put aside the jack of all trades example and move to something more common to people. Someone with steel logic tends to lack in social empathy. So should they improve their social empathy? You would then lose your infamous logical thinking once you strive in improve your emotional response. What I'm getting at is embrace your weaknesses. Corny I know. Very corny. But it's true. Rather than try to "fix: your inabilities. Know them. Use them to your advantage. It's quite easy to say but harder to do. Oh man is it hard. It's like those zen teachings that make so much sense on the surface. But. In action. It's like moving mountains. We're dead set to "make better". We've been taught. Told. Chastised. For our weaknesses. I'll try my bestest-est-est to give you an example. Bear with me now. (I lack that social tact that... well makes it's hard for me to convey sensitive topics...)
You want to be in a band. You are amazing at playing the guitar. You are the sic-est shit since, the last sic guitarist. (eloquently put as always ShadowlessTomorrow... ... ...) But! You want to sing. Too bad you suck. You sound like a chain smoking frog. Like an ox with a phlegmy throat. So what now? Take hours of lessons to improve. Make it a strength? Sure, try that. I can guarantee that road is long, hard, perilous and full of frustrations. You're innately just not good at singing. God blessed you with fast fingers. Not a lung full of sweet melodies. So play the shit out of your guitar. Make your shit so good that people will have to notice. Maybe ghostwrite lyrics. Know that you are worse than 12 year old girls on youtube and embrace that you make any guitar catch fire. Rather then spend years working on what you lack. If you spend half that time, invested in your primary skill, you would be a millions trillions quadratillion times better than a years worth of vocal courses.
What I'm leading to. Is that. I. Am. Just going to improve what I'm good at. Sure, I'll look into "fixing" my errs but not as much time as other concerned sheep. I'm not a lemming. And you are not either. So next time someone says, "hey you suck at this. Can you make yourself better?" Think about it. Think hard. But you shouldn't think long. It should be an instant pop-up message. Writers are writers. They are not cricket players. Do what you do best, and do it best. Your weaknesses will just happen to improve along the way. It's natural progression. Evolution of a person. Lezz move away from fixing yourself and move towards improving yourself. (Ha, I sound like an inspirational quote) Maybe you don't line down my sights. Maybe you do. Either way though. It's some brain food right? Right, right, right.
Self PSA,
ShadowlessTomorrow
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Making
I'm surrounded by creators. And I'm still just a consumer. I consume. I want to create.
Touchless. Forgotten in the halls of baseballs mits, shoes and roller blades. Stowed away with the boardgames and legos. Bed sheets becomes forts and pillows role as brick and motar. A quarter spent exploring. Rest is spent ingesting. Selecting a few choice projects. Selfless objects. Though always very real cognitive that nothing stays nothing. Rest is spent ingesting the world around me. Crown me a king of all the small things. That never matter. Never will. Shiny toys with nought my name. Where is my brand? ShadowlessTomorrow. I believe it but will never achieve it. Heartless chest, I ingest. Amnesia of a way to correct. A child dreams but can never build. A man can build but forgot how to dream.
(Do you know what ShadowlessTomorrow means? No, you silly goose. I don't mean me. I mean the phrase I created, ShadowlessTomorrow. Only things, objects, nouns can create shadows. Tomorrow doesn't exist. Not yet. It's so full of promise but promises nothing. It can be wonderful or dreadfully a disaster. But. It continues to be unknown. Non-existent. To use a played out metaphor. It's a lump of clay. That's what it means. I believe that. If today fails, then tomorrow will is still be there. Not there yet. There's always a shadowless tomorrow.)
There are creators around me. People with these amazing auras. God. These beautiful, creative, constructive auras. affecting everything around them like Midas' touch. Isn't that fucking amazing? You can't deny it. Even people who think they are not sensitive enough to feel auras, they can feel it. They lead you, make you move, make you act. And you just. Do. It. They are creators. They don't just consume. I like that I'm surrounded by these people. They make me smile. Not at them. But at their ideals and ambitions. Wow. It's amazing really.
I wish I didn't just swallow all thats around me like a black hole. I wish that I could pick up my Bass and create something I could be supremely proud of. I wish I could create something no one has ever seen before. I wish I could create my own style. Set my trend. Create. But I can't... Why? I doubt it's a lack of ambition. Lack of follow through. Sound off!
Anyways... I don't remember why I started this post. I'm surrounded by people who will never just be satisfied with consuming what's fed to them. They will see that all the cars on the block are blue and want a car that's red. They will not wait for someone to make a red car. They will make it. I'm envious. Envious and proud to know you. *smiles* Maybe one day, I'll make a green car.
Consumption,
ShadowlessTomorrow
Touchless. Forgotten in the halls of baseballs mits, shoes and roller blades. Stowed away with the boardgames and legos. Bed sheets becomes forts and pillows role as brick and motar. A quarter spent exploring. Rest is spent ingesting. Selecting a few choice projects. Selfless objects. Though always very real cognitive that nothing stays nothing. Rest is spent ingesting the world around me. Crown me a king of all the small things. That never matter. Never will. Shiny toys with nought my name. Where is my brand? ShadowlessTomorrow. I believe it but will never achieve it. Heartless chest, I ingest. Amnesia of a way to correct. A child dreams but can never build. A man can build but forgot how to dream.
(Do you know what ShadowlessTomorrow means? No, you silly goose. I don't mean me. I mean the phrase I created, ShadowlessTomorrow. Only things, objects, nouns can create shadows. Tomorrow doesn't exist. Not yet. It's so full of promise but promises nothing. It can be wonderful or dreadfully a disaster. But. It continues to be unknown. Non-existent. To use a played out metaphor. It's a lump of clay. That's what it means. I believe that. If today fails, then tomorrow will is still be there. Not there yet. There's always a shadowless tomorrow.)
There are creators around me. People with these amazing auras. God. These beautiful, creative, constructive auras. affecting everything around them like Midas' touch. Isn't that fucking amazing? You can't deny it. Even people who think they are not sensitive enough to feel auras, they can feel it. They lead you, make you move, make you act. And you just. Do. It. They are creators. They don't just consume. I like that I'm surrounded by these people. They make me smile. Not at them. But at their ideals and ambitions. Wow. It's amazing really.
I wish I didn't just swallow all thats around me like a black hole. I wish that I could pick up my Bass and create something I could be supremely proud of. I wish I could create something no one has ever seen before. I wish I could create my own style. Set my trend. Create. But I can't... Why? I doubt it's a lack of ambition. Lack of follow through. Sound off!
- Write a book or have a piece of literature published
- Write, produce, and record a song
- Create an OS that just feels satisfying to use
- Draw an emotion
- Make
- Create
- Invent
Anyways... I don't remember why I started this post. I'm surrounded by people who will never just be satisfied with consuming what's fed to them. They will see that all the cars on the block are blue and want a car that's red. They will not wait for someone to make a red car. They will make it. I'm envious. Envious and proud to know you. *smiles* Maybe one day, I'll make a green car.
Consumption,
ShadowlessTomorrow
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
2010 Wishy Listy
Like last year, I don't expect miracles. This list is merely to show you what I would want. Feel free to disappoint. Just don't tell me about it.
In on particular order:
Hopeful and waiting,
ShadowlessTomorrow
In on particular order:
- 42" big screen or a Epson 705HD projector
- A bottle of Maker's Mark
- An Isis Puzzle
- Chicago deep dish pizza, Chef's special
- A goose-down blanket
- Chicken Pot Pie
- A hedgehog! (adopt one for me if possible)
- Charmander
- Windows 7 Series Phone
- Ipad (3G version)
- Beef Pot Pie
- A good novel
- A crappy novel (so can make a false safe)
- Did I mention Chicken Pot Pie?
- Real true love
Hopeful and waiting,
ShadowlessTomorrow
Another Year Of Life
Wow. Seriously? I didn't think it's been that long since my last post. I suppose there's a lot to get off my head huh? We'll see. We'll see indeed. Guess I should start with the most pressing issue...
My birthday is coming up. Like super coming up. I'm not talking like how people during May say that their birthday is coming up. "Dude it's not anywhere near October yet..." I'm talking it's coming up this Thursday. Like whoa. I'm going to be 23. (For a second I forgot. Hahahahaha). 23 means nothing to me. It's not a milestone. It's not a landmark. If anything, it's a small easy dip in the road. It's unnoticeable. My birthday has always been just another day to me. Just another sunrise and another sunset. Though I find it's a day I can be a douche, ass, diva, and needy wanty baby with reason on my side. If I were to do this on other days, people would just kick my ass. Ha. Just another day, in another year, in my life. Again... people ask me. What do I want. God, I'm sick of hearing that. So sick. They are basically asking me to set expectations, for something that may not happen. Why? Why do that to me? Was I born on this day, just so you can disappoint me? I bite my thumb at you good sir. I'll make a list of what I want after this post. I'll make it a tradition. More on my B-day laters.
"Here is a list of my broken dreams. Do you have super glue? No? I'll add that to the list too." (Wow that was a really emo line. I think it was clever enough so that people don't think I'm a piss pot of sadness.)
Oh, so strange happenings at work. I never dress like I want to be promoted but I do dress nice. I never act like I'm manager material but I have good output. I never act mature or put on my work-mask but I get the job done. I've always lived on the belief that merit should be more than any sort of facade/mask/outfit/costume we wear. Surely, if someone came to work in a clown outfit, and asked people to pull his finger, I would think "Really?! This is my manager?" (Not a true story) But if he got the job done, made deadlines, and showed not only knowledge but understanding. I would think him better. So anyways. I got tasked with the job of rebuidling the call center. (I wish I had a cool title like Executive of Call Center Operations. That would be schweet! Maybe I'll suggest it.) It's a big job and no one really knows where I'm going to go with it. They picked me because I have outstanding performance and understanding. *proud* But it's sooo huge of a project... I worry that I'm going to fall short (did I just make a short joke against myself?!?!) or I'm going to be inadequate for the job (Another shot at me! Get it? Because I'm not explaining) These are all small worries as ShadowlessTomorrow has an ego that two need to carry. I can do this. I'm excited to solve puzzles.
What else is new. My sister is pregnant and engaged. *wide eyes* Double whammy. (Mind you it's rather difficult for an asian to open their eyes wide. (literally... it actually hurts my eyes (like my nested parentheses?))) Yup, she's got one on the way and a chain to latch to her man as well. When she first told me... Oh god, Buddha, Great Zombie Jesus I was so shocked. I didn't know what to say. 'magine a small door fit for exit of people single file. 'magine these people all running out at once, lezz put a fire in the room. Now all these people would get stuck in the door, burned alive! muahahahahahaha. *clears throat* um anyways. Replace the people with emotions, subtract the fire, and the door is a metaphor of how I express emotion. Yeah. I was stuck and when she hung up the phone... I literally just stared at it for 20 minutes. Now it's much better. I'm super duper fragaliciously happy for her. (screw you spell checker... I don't care if I spelled that wrong!) I'm hoping it'll be a girl. I'm already an uncle for 3 girls but I wouldn't mind being another uncle to a girl. I always wanted to have a girl... *sigh* It'll happen with time I suppose. Come on, I'm only turning 23 this year. Jeez. As for her being engaged, I saw that coming from a mile away and that's saying something... as I'm color blind.
Back to me now, because this blog is about me after all *Stands in a glorious shining light* So for my B-day, I'm travelling to Calgary. To catch up with old friends and to see to it that my liver doesn't last me to 24. It should be a grand ole time. Now, as my friends are shite, mind you complete shite, at planing. I have to plan it. We haven't even bought plane tickets yet. Yeah, glorious, steaming piles of shite they are. But I'm going to go, no if ands or butts. This is my gift to myself and I aint about ta eff dat up. (When I go gangster slang, I mean business) So yeah I'm going to have to buy a tick, last minute because I suck and so do my friends. But they can almost match me as a liquor retainer so that's great I suppose. Hahahaha.
*Salutes* Signing off HQ,
ShadowlessTomorrow
My birthday is coming up. Like super coming up. I'm not talking like how people during May say that their birthday is coming up. "Dude it's not anywhere near October yet..." I'm talking it's coming up this Thursday. Like whoa. I'm going to be 23. (For a second I forgot. Hahahahaha). 23 means nothing to me. It's not a milestone. It's not a landmark. If anything, it's a small easy dip in the road. It's unnoticeable. My birthday has always been just another day to me. Just another sunrise and another sunset. Though I find it's a day I can be a douche, ass, diva, and needy wanty baby with reason on my side. If I were to do this on other days, people would just kick my ass. Ha. Just another day, in another year, in my life. Again... people ask me. What do I want. God, I'm sick of hearing that. So sick. They are basically asking me to set expectations, for something that may not happen. Why? Why do that to me? Was I born on this day, just so you can disappoint me? I bite my thumb at you good sir. I'll make a list of what I want after this post. I'll make it a tradition. More on my B-day laters.
"Here is a list of my broken dreams. Do you have super glue? No? I'll add that to the list too." (Wow that was a really emo line. I think it was clever enough so that people don't think I'm a piss pot of sadness.)
Oh, so strange happenings at work. I never dress like I want to be promoted but I do dress nice. I never act like I'm manager material but I have good output. I never act mature or put on my work-mask but I get the job done. I've always lived on the belief that merit should be more than any sort of facade/mask/outfit/costume we wear. Surely, if someone came to work in a clown outfit, and asked people to pull his finger, I would think "Really?! This is my manager?" (Not a true story) But if he got the job done, made deadlines, and showed not only knowledge but understanding. I would think him better. So anyways. I got tasked with the job of rebuidling the call center. (I wish I had a cool title like Executive of Call Center Operations. That would be schweet! Maybe I'll suggest it.) It's a big job and no one really knows where I'm going to go with it. They picked me because I have outstanding performance and understanding. *proud* But it's sooo huge of a project... I worry that I'm going to fall short (did I just make a short joke against myself?!?!) or I'm going to be inadequate for the job (Another shot at me! Get it? Because I'm not explaining) These are all small worries as ShadowlessTomorrow has an ego that two need to carry. I can do this. I'm excited to solve puzzles.
What else is new. My sister is pregnant and engaged. *wide eyes* Double whammy. (Mind you it's rather difficult for an asian to open their eyes wide. (literally... it actually hurts my eyes (like my nested parentheses?))) Yup, she's got one on the way and a chain to latch to her man as well. When she first told me... Oh god, Buddha, Great Zombie Jesus I was so shocked. I didn't know what to say. 'magine a small door fit for exit of people single file. 'magine these people all running out at once, lezz put a fire in the room. Now all these people would get stuck in the door, burned alive! muahahahahahaha. *clears throat* um anyways. Replace the people with emotions, subtract the fire, and the door is a metaphor of how I express emotion. Yeah. I was stuck and when she hung up the phone... I literally just stared at it for 20 minutes. Now it's much better. I'm super duper fragaliciously happy for her. (screw you spell checker... I don't care if I spelled that wrong!) I'm hoping it'll be a girl. I'm already an uncle for 3 girls but I wouldn't mind being another uncle to a girl. I always wanted to have a girl... *sigh* It'll happen with time I suppose. Come on, I'm only turning 23 this year. Jeez. As for her being engaged, I saw that coming from a mile away and that's saying something... as I'm color blind.
Back to me now, because this blog is about me after all *Stands in a glorious shining light* So for my B-day, I'm travelling to Calgary. To catch up with old friends and to see to it that my liver doesn't last me to 24. It should be a grand ole time. Now, as my friends are shite, mind you complete shite, at planing. I have to plan it. We haven't even bought plane tickets yet. Yeah, glorious, steaming piles of shite they are. But I'm going to go, no if ands or butts. This is my gift to myself and I aint about ta eff dat up. (When I go gangster slang, I mean business) So yeah I'm going to have to buy a tick, last minute because I suck and so do my friends. But they can almost match me as a liquor retainer so that's great I suppose. Hahahaha.
*Salutes* Signing off HQ,
ShadowlessTomorrow
Monday, January 4, 2010
Part 2
A long walk home always helps. Walking around in the rain. The rain didn't rain. It misted, sprinkled. It wasn't quite rain but I guess it'll have to do until the next big downpour.
A walk and cigarette later. I'm in a better disposition. Still a little out of loops. Family helps too. My sisters. We're close but not close. I feel that I can talk to them about anything but I choose not to. Knowing I have that option though. Knowing that I can if I need it. It's a good feeling. Though would I ever approach them with these thoughts. Ha. Nope. They would think something grave happened. Something as dire as a second coming of Hey-zeus. (*smiles*) (By the way, that's me smiling at my own joke, how lame huh?) (Does it matter if I laugh at my own jokes?) (Better than being disgusted at my own poor taste.) (True.)
I wish. I had someone I could really connect with. It doesn't even have to be romantically. Just mentally. Someone I could be myself at my fullest and brings out even more I did not know I had. Someone I could share my little things with. It's all the little things that matter. I like extra mayonnaise on my sandwiches. I like my whiskey straight on the rocks and brandy warm. I like music that has a good beat and makes me laugh. I like seemingly chaotic art with a defined organization. I like my Nerdcore. I like a fiery smoke on a cold winter evening. The rain.
Someone who is on the same unstable crazy wavelength as me. Who wouldn't just encourage my crazy antics but would help make them crazier. Someone who would not restrain but would put me on steroids. Or just an energy drink. Someone who would lay blueprints in front of me, say we're going to rob this place, explain the plan in exact details including guard locations and then tell me we would have to build a time machine because these blueprints are from the 1940's in old chicago. There. The day someone lays blueprints in front of me. You. Have a. Friend for life.
That's what depresses me. I won't. I won't find anyone who is had a crazy hyper active imaginarium taking up real estate where my brain should be. Normally, this is of little consequence to me because I generally know I stand alone flag in the air and pants down with a Power Rangers helmet on. (more on that later...) But it would be nice, to have a hand, help hold, that cumbersome flag. Would be nice to have some one play the carnival games situated where my frontal cortex should be. It's not that no one gets me. It's not that no one understands me.
No one wants to play.
If you be you, then I'll be me. And we can play this game we call Life together. Too bad... It's a solo event. I care not what people think of me. But. If someone sang the same songs, danced the same dance. Well, they can frown on us both.
Sad little King
Of a sad little Hill
He is the Noble
He is the Jester
Nobleman jester,
ShadowlessTomorrow
A walk and cigarette later. I'm in a better disposition. Still a little out of loops. Family helps too. My sisters. We're close but not close. I feel that I can talk to them about anything but I choose not to. Knowing I have that option though. Knowing that I can if I need it. It's a good feeling. Though would I ever approach them with these thoughts. Ha. Nope. They would think something grave happened. Something as dire as a second coming of Hey-zeus. (*smiles*) (By the way, that's me smiling at my own joke, how lame huh?) (Does it matter if I laugh at my own jokes?) (Better than being disgusted at my own poor taste.) (True.)
I wish. I had someone I could really connect with. It doesn't even have to be romantically. Just mentally. Someone I could be myself at my fullest and brings out even more I did not know I had. Someone I could share my little things with. It's all the little things that matter. I like extra mayonnaise on my sandwiches. I like my whiskey straight on the rocks and brandy warm. I like music that has a good beat and makes me laugh. I like seemingly chaotic art with a defined organization. I like my Nerdcore. I like a fiery smoke on a cold winter evening. The rain.
Someone who is on the same unstable crazy wavelength as me. Who wouldn't just encourage my crazy antics but would help make them crazier. Someone who would not restrain but would put me on steroids. Or just an energy drink. Someone who would lay blueprints in front of me, say we're going to rob this place, explain the plan in exact details including guard locations and then tell me we would have to build a time machine because these blueprints are from the 1940's in old chicago. There. The day someone lays blueprints in front of me. You. Have a. Friend for life.
That's what depresses me. I won't. I won't find anyone who is had a crazy hyper active imaginarium taking up real estate where my brain should be. Normally, this is of little consequence to me because I generally know I stand alone flag in the air and pants down with a Power Rangers helmet on. (more on that later...) But it would be nice, to have a hand, help hold, that cumbersome flag. Would be nice to have some one play the carnival games situated where my frontal cortex should be. It's not that no one gets me. It's not that no one understands me.
No one wants to play.
If you be you, then I'll be me. And we can play this game we call Life together. Too bad... It's a solo event. I care not what people think of me. But. If someone sang the same songs, danced the same dance. Well, they can frown on us both.
Sad little King
Of a sad little Hill
He is the Noble
He is the Jester
Nobleman jester,
ShadowlessTomorrow
Normality. I'm worried.
I'm worried.
I don't know. Sometimes. I feel like the single entity that makes me unique is the direct obstacle to making a real connection with another person. I'm torn with both side compiling a list of reasons to defect to it's opposing mirror. I want to be someone people can relate to, someone they can say "He'll understand." But yet I want to retain my candid description, "How do I describe him? He's just ShadowlessTomorrow." It's clear an issue of the the grass being greener on the other side. Or at least the pastures beyond looks to be so much more populated than the sparse dry brush I find here. Here's a scale, for those of you who understand things visually.
As you can see, I feel like I'm nearing the WTF!? zone. Part of me wants to go back, and recede to the populated areas between Normal and Fun,weird; though some have been known to exist in the grounds past the control point. I, on the other hand, find that I am so far in no man's land that, well as the name suggests, no man exists (and woman if you want to be PC about it all). I wonder though, that if I were to traverse a little farther. Try to survive on my rations of social interaction, what would happen if I were to arrive at The great beyond. Social life seems non-existent there and I'm already slipping into this unweildly state of acquaintances and single serving friends. Like those sugar packets you find at diners. They are just enough sugar. Just enough. Just enough.
What friends I have, even the two I call my closest... Have started to slowly drift from me. Whether they have a life that they need to dedicate more attention to, or other changes in their life that have them tied up, they feel to be drifting slowly but surely away from me. Like a glacier slowly encroaching a land mass, these external affects are taking over what little ties I have. Ties to those feelings that make me feel human.
Screw this. I'm done for now. This isn't something I need to be typing while at work. I'll continue when and if I come home.
Connect,
ShadowlessTomorrow
I'm worried.
I don't know. Sometimes. I feel like the single entity that makes me unique is the direct obstacle to making a real connection with another person. I'm torn with both side compiling a list of reasons to defect to it's opposing mirror. I want to be someone people can relate to, someone they can say "He'll understand." But yet I want to retain my candid description, "How do I describe him? He's just ShadowlessTomorrow." It's clear an issue of the the grass being greener on the other side. Or at least the pastures beyond looks to be so much more populated than the sparse dry brush I find here. Here's a scale, for those of you who understand things visually.
Normal Fun,weird WTF!? The great beyond
|-------------|----------|----| -------...
Me
As you can see, I feel like I'm nearing the WTF!? zone. Part of me wants to go back, and recede to the populated areas between Normal and Fun,weird; though some have been known to exist in the grounds past the control point. I, on the other hand, find that I am so far in no man's land that, well as the name suggests, no man exists (and woman if you want to be PC about it all). I wonder though, that if I were to traverse a little farther. Try to survive on my rations of social interaction, what would happen if I were to arrive at The great beyond. Social life seems non-existent there and I'm already slipping into this unweildly state of acquaintances and single serving friends. Like those sugar packets you find at diners. They are just enough sugar. Just enough. Just enough.
What friends I have, even the two I call my closest... Have started to slowly drift from me. Whether they have a life that they need to dedicate more attention to, or other changes in their life that have them tied up, they feel to be drifting slowly but surely away from me. Like a glacier slowly encroaching a land mass, these external affects are taking over what little ties I have. Ties to those feelings that make me feel human.
Screw this. I'm done for now. This isn't something I need to be typing while at work. I'll continue when and if I come home.
Connect,
ShadowlessTomorrow
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