Waking Thoughts

When I wake in the morning. Early. Early. Early. There's a moment, when I peer out between the pillows and see the sun creeping into my room. These times. Almost every day. I think to myself... Why should I wake up today? What lies beyond my bedroom door. What does the sun bring with it today? *shrugs* I don't know. I never know. Why should I wake up today? The answer is never the same. Never consistent. Consistently inconsistent...

Some days... I open one eye. And. Just. Say. No. I roll back over and dig my head between the pillows. Not mentally equipped. Possibly. Maybe I just can't handle the day. Maybe I just don't want to handle the day. Some days. My body tells me no. My mind tells me no. And I listen to it. All but too eagerly of course. I just don't want to. I don't care why nor do I try to fathom. I just know that I don't want to... at all... yeah sometimes. Sometimes.

Other times, I wake. I wake wide awake. I bolt right up. Kill my alarm and get right to it. I breathe in the new day smell mixed with clean laundry. Love it. Live it. It's such a great feeling these days. These wonderful days. The amazing morning I have. Every step has a little spring it to push me forward and carry me on. Carry. Carry. Carry. These are most days. These are the days that embody my personality and myself. That make me smile. Jump around. Eat everything in sight and grin while doing so (trust me that's quite a feat. You try it and you'll see) It's days like this that make sense to me. That make me enjoy life more. I go to sleep at night thinking tomorrow is new. Yeah. I'm a hippie happy freak. But that's me. Life is a series of adventures that we call Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc. There is a reason to my madness. Well as reasonable as madness can be of course. Life is so beautifully ugly and so disgustingly beautiful. Make sense? It will. Just think on it huh?

Then... in the quiet moments of dawn... I wonder what if I never get out of bed. What if I just endlessly sleep. Would anyone care? More importantly. What would that feel like. To just sleep and sleep and sleep. These are my dark days. Days I pull what left I have. All effort and determination that usually is resident in myself vacant. These days I hate the world and everything that inhabits it. My mood sour, vile and thoughts malicious. I give death glares because I wish upon death. The contempt of my words drip subtle poison. At the time, I care not. I don't care who I piss off. Don't care. Don't care. Don't care. I just want to be left alone with my pitiful self. In the corner trying to fit my jigsaw personality together again. What's interesting about these days... is that I... still move. Instead of just staying stationary... I feel compelled to spread my bile among as many people as possible. That's malicious. That's vile. That's monstrous. *shrugs* It happens. Rarely rather than often. Thank you very much good sir.

So you ever wonder why you wake in the morning? Don't you dare say work. Don't you dare. That's a stupid reason. If you work 9-5, clock-in clock out, then work is not your reason to get out of bed. If it is... I'm truly sorry for you. Work is a means to live and not a life to live. Unless your work comes from your soul, work should never be the reason why you wake. Think about that and tell me if you have a reason.

Want to know my reason?

I love life.

First breath at dawn,

ShadowlessTomorrow

Child-like

Remember when you were younger? And the worst of your troubles was what you were going to do next weekend? Little trite unobtrusive little worries. It was great wasn't it? It was.

But you grow up. You face a little slice of reality. Work comes in. Money makes it ugly head known. And all those playground worries disappear. Can we go back? Probably not. It's quite frowned upon. Trust me I know. Ha. ShadowlessTomorrow hasn't quite grown up yet. Nope. But I'm suppose to. Yup.

Don't get me wrong now. Money is just a small worry in my head. It doesn't encompass a large part of my cortex. There's other things too. Maintaining social connections. Holding up my end at work. Making sure my sibling has enough to eat. Among much others. Sure my worries are small in the scope of all things. Doesn't make them any less insignificant though. Nope. They are my worries. Not yours. You're troubles may overlap mine in some ways but not all. I don't know where I'm going with this. Let me clear my head a bit...

Show me some fire. Make your bed and let me lie in it. Rest your head. I'll rest mine. Far aways a part but closer than you might think this time. This time around. This time. Fight to live to survive. For your right to smile. All the while maintaining a false smile. Once you find your peace. Hold your own to keep. Can you hold mine too? Though I know you're not suppose to. Just for safe keeping. So I can lie here weeping. I don't mind if you say you're leaving. But say you're coming back. My own. My shoes. My thoughts. No news. Smoke and fire. Lights up, heads down. Think of why we're here. Remember that time. I'm sure you do. I sure I can prove. That I'm sure you do. But it's all better. Nothing either. Take a second and come back after a breather.

We're all growed up now huh? Or perhaps to being "grown up". Do we ever really grow up though? I don't think we shed our child's self. We just make it hold more than it did before. We learn to hold more. Everyday. Just a little more. I miss being a kid. I miss being able to not worry or care. You and I. We have responsibilities. People that depend on us. Either physically. Financially. Or emotionally. Back then, people only relied on us to bring the ball to the game. Or have snacks ready for the movie night. God that was simple. Why do we make it more complicated as we grow up?

Grow up. What does that mean even? Become an adult? Well lets dissect what it means to be an adult. Responsibilities? To who? To what? To where? When we were younger, we only had to worry about eating, sleeping, and generally not getting hurt. Now after a few years. We have to worry about how we're going to eat. When we're going to sleep. And how not to get hurt. It's a more expansive set of rules we create for ourselves. To be... functional in society? How? And Why? Doesn't quite click. The gears don't fully rotate in this head of mine. I'll try to boil down my daily grind. Maybe that'll help me clear up things. As a grown up, I go to work in the morning. I earn my pay through the day. I make decisions that will affect others. I come home and make my meal. Play my games. Escape my stress. Then I sleep. Boiled down. Reduced to a few sentences. Does your life not match that pattern as well? That's not quite a life I don't think. That's seems a little empty.

I don't know what I'm getting at here. I'm not empty. ShadowlessTomorrow is always smiling. And it's never a false smile. Trust. But I just wonder what happened that made my an "adult" and when my troubles grew from playground to real world. I think I need to make a conscience effort to put more play in my life. Just a little more. It'll help keep my sane. I know this for fact. You should to. I suppose we didn't have less important troubles when we were younger. During that time, those troubles were the world. It's only in hindsight do we think they are unimportant trite thoughts of a child. Well in a few years, I'll find that this post is just the same. Once again, I don't know what I'm getting at. Eh. Oh well. I never do know.

Just want to play tag,
ShadowlessTomorrow