Part 2

A long walk home always helps. Walking around in the rain. The rain didn't rain. It misted, sprinkled. It wasn't quite rain but I guess it'll have to do until the next big downpour.

A walk and cigarette later. I'm in a better disposition. Still a little out of loops. Family helps too. My sisters. We're close but not close. I feel that I can talk to them about anything but I choose not to. Knowing I have that option though. Knowing that I can if I need it. It's a good feeling. Though would I ever approach them with these thoughts. Ha. Nope. They would think something grave happened. Something as dire as a second coming of Hey-zeus. (*smiles*) (By the way, that's me smiling at my own joke, how lame huh?) (Does it matter if I laugh at my own jokes?) (Better than being disgusted at my own poor taste.) (True.)

I wish. I had someone I could really connect with. It doesn't even have to be romantically. Just mentally. Someone I could be myself at my fullest and brings out even more I did not know I had. Someone I could share my little things with. It's all the little things that matter. I like extra mayonnaise on my sandwiches. I like my whiskey straight on the rocks and brandy warm. I like music that has a good beat and makes me laugh. I like seemingly chaotic art with a defined organization. I like my Nerdcore. I like a fiery smoke on a cold winter evening. The rain.
Someone who is on the same unstable crazy wavelength as me. Who wouldn't just encourage my crazy antics but would help make them crazier. Someone who would not restrain but would put me on steroids. Or just an energy drink. Someone who would lay blueprints in front of me, say we're going to rob this place, explain the plan in exact details including guard locations and then tell me we would have to build a time machine because these blueprints are from the 1940's in old chicago. There. The day someone lays blueprints in front of me. You. Have a. Friend for life.

That's what depresses me. I won't. I won't find anyone who is had a crazy hyper active imaginarium taking up real estate where my brain should be. Normally, this is of little consequence to me because I generally know I stand alone flag in the air and pants down with a Power Rangers helmet on. (more on that later...) But it would be nice, to have a hand, help hold, that cumbersome flag. Would be nice to have some one play the carnival games situated where my frontal cortex should be. It's not that no one gets me. It's not that no one understands me.

No one wants to play.

If you be you, then I'll be me. And we can play this game we call Life together. Too bad... It's a solo event. I care not what people think of me. But. If someone sang the same songs, danced the same dance. Well, they can frown on us both.

Sad little King
Of a sad little Hill
He is the Noble
He is the Jester


Nobleman jester,
ShadowlessTomorrow

Normality. I'm worried.

I'm worried.

I don't know. Sometimes. I feel like the single entity that makes me unique is the direct obstacle to making a real connection with another person. I'm torn with both side compiling a list of reasons to defect to it's opposing mirror. I want to be someone people can relate to, someone they can say "He'll understand." But yet I want to retain my candid description, "How do I describe him? He's just ShadowlessTomorrow." It's clear an issue of the the grass being greener on the other side. Or at least the pastures beyond looks to be so much more populated than the sparse dry brush I find here. Here's a scale, for those of you who understand things visually.

Normal     Fun,weird        WTF!?  The great beyond
|-------------|----------|----|      -------...
                       Me

As you can see, I feel like I'm nearing the WTF!? zone. Part of me wants to go back, and recede to the populated areas between Normal and Fun,weird; though some have been known to exist in the grounds past the control point. I, on the other hand, find that I am so far in no man's land that, well as the name suggests, no man exists (and woman if you want to be PC about it all). I wonder though, that if I were to traverse a little farther. Try to survive on my rations of social interaction, what would happen if I were to arrive at The great beyond. Social life seems non-existent there and I'm already slipping into this unweildly state of acquaintances and single serving friends. Like those sugar packets you find at diners. They are just enough sugar. Just enough. Just enough.

What friends I have, even the two I call my closest... Have started to slowly drift from me. Whether they have a life that they need to dedicate more attention to, or other changes in their life that have them tied up, they feel to be drifting slowly but surely away from me. Like a glacier slowly encroaching a land mass, these external affects are taking over what little ties I have. Ties to those feelings that make me feel human.
Screw this. I'm done for now. This isn't something I need to be typing while at work. I'll continue when and if I come home.

Connect,
ShadowlessTomorrow