Too Many Thoughts

I was called rude today. Though I didn't feel I was being rude... It still affected me. I apologized, sincerely. And also offered my direct apology to the affected person. It's water under the bridge now, but I still feel I'm drowning.

How silly. I don't feel I was rude but I still offered two separate apologies... I still feel like an ass. I think its because even if my apology is accepted it's a stain in my person. Something that will be brought up, taken into consideration, and put against me.

It feels like I'm sitting in a chair, the room pitch black save for a circle of light I sit in. There are people around me, frowning. Giving me gestures of disapproval. I can't see these people but I feel them. Like the way you can sense a TV is own by the barely perceptible hum, I can sense these people on the black. I offer apologies, ask for forgiveness even if it's conditional but I hear no reply, no rebuke. I just feel disapproval. Just disapproval. I feel people slowly leaving, leaving my range of perception and I'm slowly filled with life affirming fear. Fear that these unknown people are leaving me. Forever. I want to call out, to ask for another chance but my throat catches and I can only manage a rattle. I don't know any of these people. I can't see anyone. But I want them all to believe me. To hear the sincerity in my voice. To see the sincerity in my eyes. But I don't want them to see me tremble... They all leave and I'm alone with my chair and my circle of light. I failed. My awareness to the emptiness in the room fills my entire consciousness. I do nothing. I said what I could and it seems I failed.

That's all I got.

Drowning,
ShadowlessTomorrow