Another late night blog. My journal of thoughts. Ha. How emo. Far from it sweetheart. Far from it. (Its hard to type and smoke at the same time... ... ... Okay I'm done. You got my full attention now) Need to clear my head...
Community outreach. Life seeking hands. Throw away memories, out with the old and in with the new. Thoughtless. Mindless. Unequivocal surrender. Clash with the titans in all hell and thunder. Not knowing where is the next bread. Next love. Next great chapter. And after all has been said, what's left to be done. Nothing. Words carry power that rivers envy to match. Blackless shadows. Empty teacups. Empty stove. Empty soul waiting for a emotion to hold. A ways away from the day that may or may not come. Tomorrow holds so much promise, today never did. What will a week bring? A year to far away in advance. Lezz just dance and drink and smoke. And take in all the evils. I'd rather be at the dance hall in hell. Than live in heaven. My choice. Chapter written sand. Blow away dust. Lust a way slow. Slow. Slow. Why don't we just live. Breathe with me, before I leave all too quickly.
Okay, done. Continuing on.
So my friend made a list. A list of people she would like to atone to. For various reasons, of course. Reasons that are beyond my scope. Beyond my reach. And beyond the threshold of where I can trespass. All's well. I don't know them anyways. But the name on the list that really pulls my attentions. Is my own. How strange. What does she need to atone to me for? (Mind you atone isn't used in the greatest sense, but it's the best that fits) The declaration, to sum it up, is that she wanted to do better to those who have done good by her. Now, I don't know what I've done good by her. I don't even know what I've done okay by her. But that's not a half I need to understand anyways. I'm more interested in what she feels she's needs to do better against. Sure, we have this strange come and go friendship. But people are like sales promos in my life. They come, they go. They are seasonal. They come with strings attached. Strings I care not for. Expiration dates I'm fully aware of. No renewal. Perhaps she feels she needs to be a better friend to me. I wouldn't even know what that constitutes even. A better friend...
Example: My best friend. Kitty Kat. I've known her for 4+ years. But I've only hung out with her no more than three times over the saga. Does that mean we're not good friends? Does that mean we're aren't best friends? Nope. She's my run to when my life falls apart. Even when I lived in the hood, we didn't see each other much. It was kind of a dual conscience decision. A symmetrical decision. We liked our personal and impersonal relationship spread over texts, IM's, emails and the few scattered phone calls. It worked. It works. It's fine, great, and what we both want.
So asking me how to be a better friend doesn't make any, any sense to me at all. I just don't understand that word. Or rather combination of words. Either way. I'm at the bottom of the list. Not in order of ascending importance. (or is it descending? I think it's ascending...) It's just because I came later in her life. I suppose I'll have to find out what will happen once I come up on the list. How exciting. It'll be a time of novel revelations for sure. *excited*
So. What of me? what of me? *shrugs* Do I have anyone I need to do better by? *thinks* I can name... no one. What does that mean I wonder. Does it mean that I fancy myself the perfect friend to all my acquaintances? Ha. Perfect and ShadowlessTomorrow are not two words you'll hear in the same sentence often. I suppose if perfect was prefaced by Not, then perhaps. (ha, okay okay, I'll stop downplaying myself. I have some good qualities. Like I shower often enough. *smiles*) How do you suppose one goes about making a list? It's a big step that only big people can take. Even the smallest of the big people would have trouble doing so. I seem to be upsetting myself by trying to think up a list. I'm working myself up into frustration because I can't think of people I have wronged. Maybe...
I've always been honest with myself and thus with other people. For better or worse, I've always been myself. So if I have wronged someone. It was because I would not know better to do different. That's not really a good excuse is it... It's actually a horrible excuse right? Ouch. That's not good at all. (Remember all that perfect talk?)
Ah. Epiphany! It takes a very sharp turn in personality to look back and realize. To see. Because as it stands now. If you were to look back on your life, and see the still frame images. That summer ago. That house back on that old street. You would see it all differently. You would think of what you said to someone with new eyes. Fresh eyes. Eyes that have not seen the scene before. Your eyes, right now, would see the same things. Your mind would think the same things. You would do the same things. Yeah. It takes a sharp turn to see things from a new angle. I'm so stubborn though. I'll go through a brick wall before I even weigh in turning. Seeing your life from a new angle with your own eyes. What a perplexing thought. That's the stuff that keeps people awake at night.
Straight through the fork in the road,
ShadowlessTomorrow
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Something or other
It's raining.
Do you ever escape into your dreams? Sleep and dream up wondrous things, and happenings? I'm not talking about fantasy crystals or anything like that. I mean make up an amazing life for you to live every night. Once day you're the worlds most renown computer programmer known by name across the world, one day you're a successful business who can retire from working because of investments and assets, or one day you have a family and you do all those sitcom, magazine ad, do-good family stuff. Not quite like dreaming of having a purple monkey as your best friend but that's what I dream about. A life to escape my life. I plausible, however wishful, life. Does that mean I'm not happy with my life? I'm quite content. But every now and again, it's nice to imagine your life, only better. Harder, better, faster, stronger.
I don't know where I was going with that. It was just rambling I suppose.
Well this is a short post, very unlike me. I always have something to say on something. But. Just looks like I don't.
I wonder what people think of me sometimes. I wonder what people think when I do weird things. I know my friend thinks I do it for the attention, but I don't. There are things I do for attentions, but generally I think I just do things because it amuses me. I don't know why. I get bored easily I suppose. No, wait. I know I get bored easily. All my acts of randomness are sometimes just randomness. I just want to do it because I want to do it. If I were to try to be different, I don't think I would pull it off well. I guess it gets to me.... Sometimes... When people think I'm random for attention. But if I'm crazy on my alone time, how can one prove that?
It bothers me.
It bothers me when people get the wrong impression of me. Strange right? Very strange. Once again, I don't know where I was going with this. Goodnight.
Rain for me some more,
Shadowlesstomorrow
Do you ever escape into your dreams? Sleep and dream up wondrous things, and happenings? I'm not talking about fantasy crystals or anything like that. I mean make up an amazing life for you to live every night. Once day you're the worlds most renown computer programmer known by name across the world, one day you're a successful business who can retire from working because of investments and assets, or one day you have a family and you do all those sitcom, magazine ad, do-good family stuff. Not quite like dreaming of having a purple monkey as your best friend but that's what I dream about. A life to escape my life. I plausible, however wishful, life. Does that mean I'm not happy with my life? I'm quite content. But every now and again, it's nice to imagine your life, only better. Harder, better, faster, stronger.
I don't know where I was going with that. It was just rambling I suppose.
Well this is a short post, very unlike me. I always have something to say on something. But. Just looks like I don't.
I wonder what people think of me sometimes. I wonder what people think when I do weird things. I know my friend thinks I do it for the attention, but I don't. There are things I do for attentions, but generally I think I just do things because it amuses me. I don't know why. I get bored easily I suppose. No, wait. I know I get bored easily. All my acts of randomness are sometimes just randomness. I just want to do it because I want to do it. If I were to try to be different, I don't think I would pull it off well. I guess it gets to me.... Sometimes... When people think I'm random for attention. But if I'm crazy on my alone time, how can one prove that?
It bothers me.
It bothers me when people get the wrong impression of me. Strange right? Very strange. Once again, I don't know where I was going with this. Goodnight.
Rain for me some more,
Shadowlesstomorrow
Monday, November 9, 2009
Not Sleeping
So here I am. Restless and not sleeping. Thinking again. What else would I be doing if not sleeping right? So like me. I just am. Always thinking. Perhaps thinking too much. Always, always, and always.
So what is the crazy cat thinking about now? Another girl perhaps? Yes and no. Those of you that know me know that it's usually some girl. Always right? Ha. Well this time it isn't some girl. It isn't "some girl". It's more like that one girl. Man its been so long. So long since I've been kept up like this. Sure I've had restless nights in the recent past. But. Not over her. Not over any girl realy. Sure, I have girls floating around my life but not anything that really keeps me up. Dates here and there. Pursuits fruitless and some ending up like a dog chasing a car. Once I have it, it's not what I thought it would be. Ah. Isn't it always like that? Ha. But no not those girls. It's that one girl. Her name. Princess.
Man I miss her. I shouldn't. I'm not suppose to.
(apparently... Actually on the topic of that. Why am I not suppose to? Those who don't know or even understand the history say one thing. Don't. That's all? Really? It's not that easy. It's not that simple. It's complicated. Now doesn't that sound cliche. Of course it does. But that's the best way to describe it. Complicated. I can't just shut the door and turn off the phone. The ones who know, know that I was and am mortally wounded. Emotionally. Emotionally wounded. But that's all they know. They do not know of the smiles. And the love and the undying, unconditional caring and the real, real, real happiness prior to the ugliness. I never judge anything by the way it ends. Such a dumb way to think of things. But as well, I never knew what was best for me. Never did and never will. Ha.)
Anyways, back on topic. Yes. Right. I miss her. I miss My Princess. Am I still allowed to say that? Call her that? I'll stick to Princess. Just Princess. She. Is. Amazing. *shakes head* Still is. How crazy is that? I haven't seen her in so so long, but she can still take my breath away with just a Hi. I. Am. Effing hopeless. Ha. I am.
So here I am. Minding my own business helping this girl with her French studies and my phone rings a number I've never seen before. Ontario it reads. I figure it's my brother or perhaps Mother calling from a new number yet again (that's a whole blog post on it's own. Ha) But no. It's her. And all my breath and thoughts decide to leave all at once. They just say "Bye, we're leaving and we don't know when we'll be back but have fun!" So there I am. Outside that coffee shop gasping for breath and trying to formulate a thought. That isn't "Uh" or "Um". No dice. Straight snake eyes. Straight out of luck. I was hoping to roll sevens but I lucked out. Ha. The lucky cat all lucked out. Who would think it right? Only she could do that. So I surmise the call was uber awkward for her. I could have kept my cool but how could I? It was so... Out of the blue. Like a meteor landing in front of me and a small orange martian pops out asking me where the bathroom was, I was dumbfounded and in the few rare moments of my life. I was at a lost for words. It was like I was learning English for the first time and did not know how to speak it. Stupidfied. Good word. Very fitting. She said she would call me back. And in all fairness when I for another call from an unknown province................. I ignored it. What's strange ( ha I just thought of my friend Pippy. Anyways...) What's strange is that I grabbed at my phone everytime I got another unknown call. Ha. God I'm so funny. Once again, an example of how amazing she is. She can break my resolved so easily. Without even trying to mind you.
*sight* I'm glad I have this blog to spit out my thoughts to lest they eat me alive. These dirty little demonic thoughts that blockade sleep and normal cognitive functions during the day time. I don't know why I'm thinking of this now but I am. I'll think on it though. It'll be another blog post so stay tuned. Like anyone reads this anyways.
1:40 am on a patio smoking,
Shadowlesstomorrow
So what is the crazy cat thinking about now? Another girl perhaps? Yes and no. Those of you that know me know that it's usually some girl. Always right? Ha. Well this time it isn't some girl. It isn't "some girl". It's more like that one girl. Man its been so long. So long since I've been kept up like this. Sure I've had restless nights in the recent past. But. Not over her. Not over any girl realy. Sure, I have girls floating around my life but not anything that really keeps me up. Dates here and there. Pursuits fruitless and some ending up like a dog chasing a car. Once I have it, it's not what I thought it would be. Ah. Isn't it always like that? Ha. But no not those girls. It's that one girl. Her name. Princess.
Man I miss her. I shouldn't. I'm not suppose to.
(apparently... Actually on the topic of that. Why am I not suppose to? Those who don't know or even understand the history say one thing. Don't. That's all? Really? It's not that easy. It's not that simple. It's complicated. Now doesn't that sound cliche. Of course it does. But that's the best way to describe it. Complicated. I can't just shut the door and turn off the phone. The ones who know, know that I was and am mortally wounded. Emotionally. Emotionally wounded. But that's all they know. They do not know of the smiles. And the love and the undying, unconditional caring and the real, real, real happiness prior to the ugliness. I never judge anything by the way it ends. Such a dumb way to think of things. But as well, I never knew what was best for me. Never did and never will. Ha.)
Anyways, back on topic. Yes. Right. I miss her. I miss My Princess. Am I still allowed to say that? Call her that? I'll stick to Princess. Just Princess. She. Is. Amazing. *shakes head* Still is. How crazy is that? I haven't seen her in so so long, but she can still take my breath away with just a Hi. I. Am. Effing hopeless. Ha. I am.
So here I am. Minding my own business helping this girl with her French studies and my phone rings a number I've never seen before. Ontario it reads. I figure it's my brother or perhaps Mother calling from a new number yet again (that's a whole blog post on it's own. Ha) But no. It's her. And all my breath and thoughts decide to leave all at once. They just say "Bye, we're leaving and we don't know when we'll be back but have fun!" So there I am. Outside that coffee shop gasping for breath and trying to formulate a thought. That isn't "Uh" or "Um". No dice. Straight snake eyes. Straight out of luck. I was hoping to roll sevens but I lucked out. Ha. The lucky cat all lucked out. Who would think it right? Only she could do that. So I surmise the call was uber awkward for her. I could have kept my cool but how could I? It was so... Out of the blue. Like a meteor landing in front of me and a small orange martian pops out asking me where the bathroom was, I was dumbfounded and in the few rare moments of my life. I was at a lost for words. It was like I was learning English for the first time and did not know how to speak it. Stupidfied. Good word. Very fitting. She said she would call me back. And in all fairness when I for another call from an unknown province................. I ignored it. What's strange ( ha I just thought of my friend Pippy. Anyways...) What's strange is that I grabbed at my phone everytime I got another unknown call. Ha. God I'm so funny. Once again, an example of how amazing she is. She can break my resolved so easily. Without even trying to mind you.
*sight* I'm glad I have this blog to spit out my thoughts to lest they eat me alive. These dirty little demonic thoughts that blockade sleep and normal cognitive functions during the day time. I don't know why I'm thinking of this now but I am. I'll think on it though. It'll be another blog post so stay tuned. Like anyone reads this anyways.
1:40 am on a patio smoking,
Shadowlesstomorrow
Friday, November 6, 2009
Shibaraku
So I haven't made and entry in a long time. I guess I'll do it while I'm drunk. Man, there's been so many things that have happened in the the meantime. I just haven't had the time or energy to say it here. It's been crazy...
My sis was missing for a bit... I broke down and cried the first hour she was missing. No joke. No lie. I never say that I love her. I never say any sort of affection towards her. But. I do. I cried. I cried because she makes me lunch when I go to work. She makes me breakfast when I wake up late. She's my sister. My flesh and blood. It's not even that, because she's my flesh and blood. She can yell and cuss at me all day but I would still feel the same way. I'm stubborn like that.
So here goes the real meaning of this blog. I wanted to talk about the difference between omission of truth and lying. I don't it's the same thing. No way. Not even close. Lying to me is outright stating the opposite of the truth. Omission of truth is just not saying the truth. I'm not lying. I'm just not telling you the truth. I think I have talked about this before but... it's been brought up recently to me. I've internally debating, whether or not I should.
Should I tell her. Or should I withold the truth.... I don't know. I think that is the truth were to hurt, and they did not request for the truth... then why should they know? I'm honest but why cause hurt when it's not needed. Ahhh. It's such a debate in my head. I want to say "Stop, it's not good..." but who am I to judge... I'm not any better. I'm not. But I respect her... God I do... Enough... I'm done. I'm sure it'll come about again.
Drunk but not all happy,
Shadowlesstomorrow
My sis was missing for a bit... I broke down and cried the first hour she was missing. No joke. No lie. I never say that I love her. I never say any sort of affection towards her. But. I do. I cried. I cried because she makes me lunch when I go to work. She makes me breakfast when I wake up late. She's my sister. My flesh and blood. It's not even that, because she's my flesh and blood. She can yell and cuss at me all day but I would still feel the same way. I'm stubborn like that.
So here goes the real meaning of this blog. I wanted to talk about the difference between omission of truth and lying. I don't it's the same thing. No way. Not even close. Lying to me is outright stating the opposite of the truth. Omission of truth is just not saying the truth. I'm not lying. I'm just not telling you the truth. I think I have talked about this before but... it's been brought up recently to me. I've internally debating, whether or not I should.
Should I tell her. Or should I withold the truth.... I don't know. I think that is the truth were to hurt, and they did not request for the truth... then why should they know? I'm honest but why cause hurt when it's not needed. Ahhh. It's such a debate in my head. I want to say "Stop, it's not good..." but who am I to judge... I'm not any better. I'm not. But I respect her... God I do... Enough... I'm done. I'm sure it'll come about again.
Drunk but not all happy,
Shadowlesstomorrow
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