Make It All Better

Another late night blog. My journal of thoughts. Ha. How emo. Far from it sweetheart. Far from it. (Its hard to type and smoke at the same time... ... ... Okay I'm done. You got my full attention now) Need to clear my head...

Community outreach. Life seeking hands. Throw away memories, out with the old and in with the new. Thoughtless. Mindless. Unequivocal surrender. Clash with the titans in all hell and thunder. Not knowing where is the next bread. Next love. Next great chapter. And after all has been said, what's left to be done. Nothing. Words carry power that rivers envy to match. Blackless shadows. Empty teacups. Empty stove. Empty soul waiting for a emotion to hold. A ways away from the day that may or may not come. Tomorrow holds so much promise, today never did. What will a week bring? A year to far away in advance. Lezz just dance and drink and smoke. And take in all the evils. I'd rather be at the dance hall in hell. Than live in heaven. My choice. Chapter written sand. Blow away dust. Lust a way slow. Slow. Slow. Why don't we just live. Breathe with me, before I leave all too quickly.

Okay, done. Continuing on.

So my friend made a list. A list of people she would like to atone to. For various reasons, of course. Reasons that are beyond my scope. Beyond my reach. And beyond the threshold of where I can trespass. All's well. I don't know them anyways. But the name on the list that really pulls my attentions. Is my own. How strange. What does she need to atone to me for? (Mind you atone isn't used in the greatest sense, but it's the best that fits) The declaration, to sum it up, is that she wanted to do better to those who have done good by her. Now, I don't know what I've done good by her. I don't even know what I've done okay by her. But that's not a half I need to understand anyways. I'm more interested in what she feels she's needs to do better against. Sure, we have this strange come and go friendship. But people are like sales promos in my life. They come, they go. They are seasonal. They come with strings attached. Strings I care not for. Expiration dates I'm fully aware of. No renewal. Perhaps she feels she needs to be a better friend to me. I wouldn't even know what that constitutes even. A better friend...
Example: My best friend. Kitty Kat. I've known her for 4+ years. But I've only hung out with her no more than three times over the saga. Does that mean we're not good friends? Does that mean we're aren't best friends? Nope. She's my run to when my life falls apart. Even when I lived in the hood, we didn't see each other much. It was kind of a dual conscience decision. A symmetrical decision. We liked our personal and impersonal relationship spread over texts, IM's, emails and the few scattered phone calls. It worked. It works. It's fine, great, and what we both want.
So asking me how to be a better friend doesn't make any, any sense to me at all. I just don't understand that word. Or rather combination of words. Either way. I'm at the bottom of the list. Not in order of ascending importance. (or is it descending? I think it's ascending...) It's just because I came later in her life. I suppose I'll have to find out what will happen once I come up on the list. How exciting. It'll be a time of novel revelations for sure. *excited*

So. What of me? what of me? *shrugs* Do I have anyone I need to do better by? *thinks* I can name... no one. What does that mean I wonder. Does it mean that I fancy myself the perfect friend to all my acquaintances? Ha. Perfect and ShadowlessTomorrow are not two words you'll hear in the same sentence often. I suppose if perfect was prefaced by Not, then perhaps. (ha, okay okay, I'll stop downplaying myself. I have some good qualities. Like I shower often enough. *smiles*) How do you suppose one goes about making a list? It's a big step that only big people can take. Even the smallest of the big people would have trouble doing so. I seem to be upsetting myself by trying to think up a list. I'm working myself up into frustration because I can't think of people I have wronged. Maybe...
I've always been honest with myself and thus with other people. For better or worse, I've always been myself. So if I have wronged someone. It was because I would not know better to do different. That's not really a good excuse is it... It's actually a horrible excuse right? Ouch. That's not good at all. (Remember all that perfect talk?)

Ah. Epiphany! It takes a very sharp turn in personality to look back and realize. To see. Because as it stands now. If you were to look back on your life, and see the still frame images. That summer ago. That house back on that old street. You would see it all differently. You would think of what you said to someone with new eyes. Fresh eyes. Eyes that have not seen the scene before. Your eyes, right now, would see the same things. Your mind would think the same things. You would do the same things. Yeah. It takes a sharp turn to see things from a new angle. I'm so stubborn though. I'll go through a brick wall before I even weigh in turning. Seeing your life from a new angle with your own eyes. What a perplexing thought. That's the stuff that keeps people awake at night.

Straight through the fork in the road,
ShadowlessTomorrow